In the wake of the new set of demands that were issued yesterday by our comrades over at Hamilton College, we at Academical College feel emboldened to offer a few appeals of our own. Herewith, a few requests that aim to address the immediate problems facing our school:
1. The resignation of the entire staff.
2. The rehiring of any former member of staff who is prepared to affirm the validity — and beauty — of these demands.
3. The permanent dismissal, public humiliation, and televised execution of those who dissent from these demands.
4. A 30-day period of uninterrupted formal apologies. Details TBD.
5. An immediate increase in the Latino makeup of the English faculty, according to the following rules: At no point shall the percentage of Latino professors fall below ((33.5 x 11) + (the average temperature in Portland, Ore., in the three summer months + 8))/20.
6. A reduction in the number of faculty members who speak in colonial tongues.
7. A reduction in the number of faculty members who are functionally numerate.
8. An immediate and substantial increase in the number of homeless Department Chairs.
9. An immediate and substantial increase in the number of academic staff who have been accused of professional misconduct.
10. The prohibition of any peer-review process not subject to veto by the student body.
11. A written agreement from each staff member that the personal politics of the incumbent student president are beyond criticism.
12. A permanent ossification of what is considered to be on the “right” and “wrong” sides of History, to be determined by the Academical freshman with the lowest annual use of carbon.
13. The immediate appointment of a Dean of Diversity.
14. The immediate firing of the Dean of Diversity, on the grounds that his/her/xy/wirry/grub title derives from the Roman word “decānus.” The Romans were a slave-owning people.
1. The erection of a statue honoring Rosa Parks.
2. The installation of race-segregated safe spaces in which people of color can congregate unmolested.
3. The prohibition of alcohol and other drugs from the college grounds.
4. A collective acknowledgement that the prohibition of alcohol and other drugs disproportionately harms minorities.
5. A well-stocked emergency fund to aid minorities harmed by the prohibition of alcohol and other drugs.
6. An immediate end to the prohibition of alcohol and other drugs on college grounds.
7. A data-driven investigation into the possibility of prohibiting alcohol and other drugs on college grounds.
8. The banishment of all campus police officers to beyond the school’s perimeter.
9. A signed statement from the former head of the campus police admitting that he and his colleagues are irredeemably racist.
10. The careful superintending of all on-campus speech by the local police department.
11. The removal of all racist symbols around campus, such as condiments, electricity outlets, and WiFi repeaters.
12. The renaming of “Lunchtime” to “Stonewall Time.”
13. The violent removal of the following phrase from the College’s diversity page: “A student at Academical can be grungy, geeky, athletic, gay, black, white, fashionable, artsy, nerdy, preppy, conservative . . . it doesn’t really matter. At Academical you can be yourself — and be respected for who you are.” This assertion trivializes the purpose of “diversity,” which is “uniformity.”
14. The inclusion within the College’s Honor Code of a firm stance against all forms of intellectual honesty.
15. The unequivocal recognition that democracy is the bedrock of a free and inclusive society.
16. The reservation of certain Student Assembly seats to marginalized and underrepresented groups.
17. The abolition of the secret ballot.
18. The restriction of campaign speech to underrepresented groups.
19. A direct notice sent to all students and faculty acknowledging that the users of Yik Yak are sex-offenders.
20. The introduction of a non-negotiable accuser-is-always-right standard for sexual assault and other heinous crimes.
21. A direct notice sent to all students and faculty denouncing Joe McCarthy and other fascists.
22. The reduction of binary-based language, starting with replacing “up” and “down” with “intersectional,” and “black” and “white” with “pocwocmoc.”
Concerning the Wider World
1. The immediate cancellation of all student loans, and their payment in full by those not attending the college.
2. One of those fun electric can-openers you see on sale in Christmas shops at the mall.
3. A fourth season of Deadwood, to be aired on PBS.
4. Federally standardized indicators and light switches in rental cars.
5. The inclusion of Amazon Prime as a permissible above-the-line tax deduction.
6. The global abolition of nuclear weapons, within the week.