“Trump, this person close to the matter suggests, has become irked by his ability to create revenue for other media organizations without being able to take a cut himself. Such a situation ‘brings him to the conclusion that he has the business acumen and the ratings for his own network.’” — Vanity Fair, 06/16/16
WEEKDAY SCHEDULE, THE TRUMP NETWORK
Midnight to 6 a.m.: Paid Programming. Assorted infomercials. Products highlighted include TRUMP the Game, Trump Cologne, Trump Steaks, Trump Bottled Water, Trump Resorts, and Trump University.
6 a.m. to 9 a.m.: Nothing Too Hard with Mika Brzezinski. Trump calls in to the morning show to discuss how he accurately predicted the events that occurred overnight and offers a rambling stream of consciousness that may or may not answer Brzezinski’s pre-arranged questions.
9 a.m. to 10 a.m.: What He Meant Was, hosted by Jeffrey Lord and Hope Hicks. The co-hosts take questions from a panel of guests including Van Jones, Jake Tapper, and Megyn Kelly, and explain why these guests have completely misinterpreted Trump’s rambling answers to Brzezinski’s questions.
10 a.m. to 10:30 a.m.: Let Christie Do It! A wacky game show in which New Jersey governor Chris Christie competes in increasingly difficult and embarrassing challenges to win some unspecified future prize.
10:30 a.m. to 11 a.m.: Object to This! Hosted by Judge Maryanne Trump Barry. The U.S. Court of Appeals judge decides whether other judges treated her brother fairly in his 3,500 lawsuits over the past three decades.
11 a.m. to Noon: You Provoked Them! Hosted by Melania Trump. The glamorous former model meets with targets of anti-Semitic hate and helps them understand how their own actions, such as asking completely reasonable questions, prompted that hate.
Noon to 1 p.m: Not Really American! Trump and his research staff identify Indiana-born Mexicans and those “born an Afghan” to legal-immigrant parents on American soil, marking these “not really American” citizens for future deportation.
1 p.m. to 2 p.m: Two Corinthians. Live from the newly reopened Scores strip club in the Trump Taj Mahal Casino, host Philip Jennings and guest Jerry Falwell Jr. explain complicated theological questions, such as how it can sometimes be God’s will for you to sleep with married women and brag about it in your autobiography.
2 p.m. to 3 p.m.: Great Relationships with the Blacks. Hosts Diamond and Silk explain everything Trump has done for African-Americans. Special guests include Don King, Mike Tyson, and Omarosa.
3 p.m. to 4 p.m: Lifestyles of the Asset-Rich-but-Cash-Poor and Famous. In a pre-recorded hour, Trump gives you a behind-the-scenes look at a typical day in his life.
4 p.m: to 5 p.m.: The Real Truth with Alex Jones and Jesse Ventura. The hosts, joined by Trump, go beyond the headlines to expose hidden truths, such as Rafael Cruz’s role in the JFK assassination, the murder of Justice Antonin Scalia, President Obama’s secret membership in ISIS, and George W. Bush’s masterminding of the 9/11 attacks.
5 p.m. to 6 p.m.: Nip/Cuck: A rotating cast of anonymous hosts, appearing only as talking Twitter avatars, explain how white adoption of minority children is society’s greatest menace, how they manage to be robust, masculine success stories without ever leaving their mother’s basement, why women find the Cheeto dust on their fingers sexy, and how hilarious cartoons about the Holocaust are.
6 p.m. to 7 p.m.: Those Mischievous Scamps! Host Nero explains how the alt-Right is widely misunderstood and merely represents a movement of young, creative, playful anti-authoritarians who praise Hitler ironically and are only joking in their calls for a race war.
7 p.m. to 8 p.m.: The Hazards of Duke. Controversial host David Duke welcomes Trump to the program, but the mogul says he doesn’t recognize him and will have to look into his record before offering any definitive statement on his views.
8 p.m. to 8:30 p.m.: Nuke ’Em! A half-hour action drama in which stressed counter-terrorism agents finally get to relax after a potential threat is neutralized by the president’s pre-emptive nuclear strike.
8:30 p.m. to 9 p.m.: I Love the Hispanics’ Food! Trump ventures into the kitchen of the Trump Tower Grill and asks the head chef how he made that terrific taco bowl. The chef, confused, asks whether taco bowls are on the menu.
9 p.m. to 9:30 p.m.: Flip This Alliance. Trump gives the NATO Alliance a dramatic remodeling by negotiating the departure of the United Kingdom and the surprise entry of Russia. Special guest Vladimir Putin unveils plans for a dramatic makeover of Eastern European borders and gives viewers tips on how to build a retro-style “Iron Curtain” for their homes.
9:30 p.m. to 10 p.m.: Look at That Face! Trump enlists an all-star panel featuring Howard Stern, Silvio Berlusconi, and Andrew Dice Clay to help him evaluate the attractiveness of various women in public life.
10 p.m. to 11 p.m.: Celebrity Wife Swap. Gary Busey and Gilbert Gottfried spend much of the episode working on the terms and details of their exchange of wives, only to find Trump appear at the last second and declare that neither one of them knows how to negotiate, fretting aloud that, “We are killing ourselves with these bad trade deals.” The two men, faced with being fired from future episodes, decide their wives will both live with Trump for a period.
11 p.m. to 11:30 p.m.: The Evening Tweet Report. Host Katrina Pierson explains Trump’s most important and complicated tweets of the day to a general audience.
11:30 p.m. to Midnight: Winning! With Charlie Sheen. The former aspiring running mate begins his show in the traditional late-night format but suddenly promises to turn everyone in the audience into a “Vatican warlock assassin” and grows increasingly incoherent and hostile to everyone around him. He taunts viewers that he’s already been paid for this work, begins tearing off his clothing, and rolls round the stage screaming unintelligibly before the feed is abruptly cut and replaced with a test pattern.
Editor’s Note: Donald Trump is in no way responsible for the contents of this fake TV schedule.
— Jim Geraghty is the senior political correspondent for National Review.