Economy & Business

I Don’t Go Shopping on Black Friday; I Love Capitalism

At the handbag rack at Macy’s Herald Square in Manhattan during early Black Friday shopping in 2016. (Reuters photo: Andrew Kelly)
It just doesn’t make sense to brave the crowds at a retail location when you can buy anything you need online.

I do not go shopping on Black Friday — not because I’m protesting capitalism, but because capitalism has provided me with wonderful options to save me from the hell that far too many people foolishly call a “holiday.”

I cannot explain to you just how little interest I have in physically going to a store to buy a thing, and I’m just so thankful that our society’s capitalism-fueled advances have saved me from ever having to do so. There are no groceries in my house — because there don’t have to be. l can use Seamless when I’m starving, and Postmates when I’m not exactly starving but willing to pay a $5 delivery fee for a single taco, because I want a taco but New York City is just not inhabitable in the winter so there’s no way I’m going outside to get one.

It truly is amazing. I don’t have to go across the street to buy toilet paper; I already bought a month’s supply and had it delivered to my house (within an hour!) using Amazon Prime. I’m addicted to nicotine and out of nicotine vapor cartridges as I write this, but it doesn’t matter — someone’s already on his way delivering them to me, and it’s all because of capitalism. Honestly, capitalism has prevented me from ever having to go to a store to buy a single thing . . . except maybe shoes, and that’s just because one of my feet is slightly bigger than the other and I have to try those babies on to make sure they can accommodate my situation before I buy them.

I know what you’re thinking: “But what about the deals?” Okay, let me tell you something: There are no deals. Black Friday is a scam. You’re not saving $300; you’re being paid $300 to get the flu from some other shopper’s snot-nosed kid who has been rifling through the merchandise with his snot-covered hands — leaving you and your entire family as snot-covered as he is for at least two weeks after you bring that discounted Peppa Pig Red Car home.

It’s true: The number of things you’ll pay for while trying to get your “savings” is endless. You’re going to spend an extra $50 or so on gas driving around looking for a parking space at the store where they’re selling the Barbie Career Doll for $25 off. The chances that you’ll get in an automobile accident — one potentially causing thousands of dollars’ worth of damage — are pretty high when you’re surrounded by a bunch of other rabid creatures who are as manically obsessed with saving $15 on a Baby Alive Twinkles n’ Tinkles as you are. The hours you’ll spend in line are ones you can never get back — your kid is probably going to say his first words, “Where’s Mama?” while you’re waiting in line for a TV — and the chance that you’ll get trampled to death and have no more hours left isn’t zero.

I’m not hating on Cyber Monday, or on the many stores that do have Black Friday deals online. That’s the way to go! I’m all about saving money, because you’re an idiot if you’re not — but if you’re out there spending your day surrounded by pathogens (which, by the way, you’re far more susceptible to contracting if you woke up at 5 a.m. on three hours of sleep) and thinking that you’re winning, then I’m here to tell you that you’re losing. Pull out your phone or your laptop, and take advantage of all of the great things that capitalism has given us — because by God, they are many.

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