Springtime means rebirth, baseball, and . . . new stories about how 99.89 percent of college-graduation speakers are certified lefties. Those of us with opposing viewpoints are left with few options; most of us just suck it up, grin, and sit there — although the grinning part is becoming more of a challenge. You see, our side of the aisle is not so easily agitated into social-protest mode. Still, it would be refreshing to hear at least one college president come clean in his commencement remarks. Just put it all out there for (progressive) mass consumption. To wit:
Hello, everyone . . . Happy Graduation!
Four years of relentless indoctrination is now complete. Most of you no longer trust markets, capitalism, or your parents. You are now officially social-justice warriors; you truly “Feel the Bern.” Accordingly, our job is done. But before you leave for the real world — a hate-filled place without safe spaces, speech codes, Play-Doh, warm cookies, and coloring books to help you “recuperate” from dissenting points of view — a few words of review, and caution.
In the good-news department, our annual giving goal of $1 billion was easily surpassed last year. The school’s endowment is now $59 billion, which means only a 6.5 percent tuition-rate increase for next year! For this good fortune, I can only thank the deity that I am forbidden to mention by name under threat of ACLU lawsuit. So thanks to this unnamed deity for maintaining such high demand for our elite degree among so many of your status-seeking but naïve parents.
More good news: We are excited to announce the construction of what our faculty are calling “Fascist City.” This complex will consist of a number of poorly constructed buildings that our students will be encouraged to destroy whenever a conservative speaker arrives on campus. In this way, our young activists can meet and riot at a central location with no fear of police brutality. Further, our faculty have agreed to purchase and supply bricks (for throwing) free of charge. I also want to thank the newly salaried student government of our very own campus political party, “Bernie’s Young Socialists,” for contributing fire-resistant protest signs (so they may be repurposed). One can never be too environmentally conscious when protesting “the man”!
Let me put your mind at ease with what seems on the surface to be a perplexing proposition — the task of having to rebuild a new “city” every few weeks. Fortunately, we have borrowed an idea from our brothers and sisters at other elite schools and decided to charge the College Republicans for all such damages. This seems abundantly fair to me. After all, we would never be forced to incur such costs were it not for the entitled country clubbers who insist on inviting racist, nativist, homophobic speakers to our sanctuary campus. Mark my words, such behavior has no place at a liberal-arts institution!
I also wish to compliment the faculty on the completion of their “micro-aggression syllabus” program. You will recall that this endeavor is the result of our negotiations following the “Young Irish Progressive” group’s violent takeover of my office in October after they discovered that our history department had failed to include trigger warnings on textbooks about the great potato famine. Please note that these culturally insensitive professors were temporarily reassigned to reeducation camps located on the outskirts of Berkeley, Calif.
There will always be problem children, insensitive types who insist that public squares continue to exhibit historical monuments of our racist Founders — as though history were important to understand.
In a similar vein, I was proud to watch our enthusiastic young activists burn campus buildings until I agreed to add “cultural-appropriation warnings” on our daily food menus. Henceforth, our Italian-American students will be forewarned of “Pizza Fridays”; Mexican-American students, of “Taco Tuesdays”; German-American students, of “Sauerkraut Sundays.” We believe that all of our students should be able to enjoy their meals with the knowledge that we are protecting the heritage of their cultural foodstuff.
Of course, there will always be problem children, insensitive types (see above) who insist that airport passenger lounges switch out CNN for FOX, or that public squares continue to exhibit historical monuments of our racist Founders — as though history were important to understand. We will continue to root out these miscreants and redirect them to where they belong: Liberty University.
Recall that these are also the problem children who demand “counter” trigger warnings whenever Bill & Hillary Clinton are the focus of academic study. Seems that these young scholars need to be gingerly forewarned whenever course materials touch on Whitewater, Webb Hubbell, Susan MacDougall, Vince Foster, suddenly “found” Rose Law firm billing records, the definition of “is,” cattle futures, “bimbo eruptions,” the White House Travel Office, Monica Lewinsky, Lois Lerner, Marc Rich, impeachment hearings, Janet Reno, a Russian “reset,” Benghazi, the Clinton Foundation, accidental tarmac meetings, Uranium One, accidentally sledgehammered cellphones, or erased emails.
Let the word go out: Our faculty will not stand for such right-wing mockery. True Millennials they are not!
Of course, we are happy to continue accepting the children of the entitled at exorbitant tuition rates. After all, somebody has to assuage your father’s alpha male, corporate guilt. Might as well be us!
Now, have a great summer . . with the “resistance”!