A social network called “Strava,” which tracks runs and bike rides, looked at more than 108 million entries in the United States and found that January 17 is the day that Americans are most likely to give up their fitness resolutions — and I think that’s great.
Now, I’m not saying that it’s wrong to want to exercise. I’m no doctor, but from what I hear, it’s supposedly pretty good for you. (I say “from what I hear” because I myself have barely walked inside a gym since I was forced to for a grade in high school.) I’ve also heard a lot of people say that you can get into it once you start doing it. That may be true, too.
But do you know what? I don’t want to find out. I’d rather continue to live my life as a piece of little blond sedentary trash, because that’s what makes me happy. Working out may be good for you, but it also means I’d have less time to sit on my couch with my cat, and I’m just not willing to give that up.
There is so much pressure around this time of year to want to be improving yourself, but I think it’s much better to accept yourself the way you are. I mean, it’s not that I don’t think about resolutions. Every year, I think about it. This year, I thought about quitting vaping and spending less money on both Uber and takeout/delivery food. But do you know what I did today? I took an Uber to work while eating takeout clam chowder in the back — and then when I was done, I started vaping. Is that disgusting? Sure. Should I want to do better for myself? Probably. But I don’t want to, and I’m sick of having to feel like I’m ashamed of that.
I know it’s January, but I’m still going to hit my vape. I know it’s January, but I’m still not going to exercise (unless coughing fits count, in which case I’m basically an Olympic athlete this week.) I know it’s January, but I am still going to spend my free time watching true crime docudramas with terrible acting about wives who murder their husbands instead of filling my mind with something more substantial.
In fact, there are a lot of things I have resolved to not resolve to do this year. I may be 30, but I’m still not going to learn how to do my own makeup. I’m not going to learn how to put my own hair extensions in, either. I’m not going to stop taking Ubers five blocks when it’s raining, and I’m not going to start using the elliptical at the gym in my apartment — especially not without vaping while I’m on it.
If you’re currently struggling with keeping your New Year’s resolution, I’m sure that most people would tell you to keep going. “Be your best self!” But you’re not going to hear that from me. No, from me you’re going to hear that your mediocre self is just fine. So what if you’ve seen every episode of Teen Mom 2 and you want to watch them again? So what if you’ve never done a push-up? So what if sometimes when you’re alone you like to dip pretzels in mayonnaise and eat them? You’ve gone this far in your life exactly the way you are, and unless a doctor is telling you otherwise, you’re fine to continue to live your life the way you’ve always been living it.
The thing about life is that it doesn’t last forever. It’s very short. In fact, you’ve technically died a little bit since you’ve started reading this, because we’re all technically dying a little bit with each passing moment. Does anyone on their deathbed wish they’d spent more time on a juice cleanse or a stair climber? I mean, I haven’t been around that many deathbeds, so I guess I don’t know for sure, but my guess would be no. So go ahead — be garbage. God loves you anyway, and so do I.