Snow Comes from the Devil

People clear snow during a winter storm in Buffalo, N.Y., January 31, 2019. (Lindsay DeDario/Reuters)
It’s absolutely atrocious, even at Christmas.

It’s that time of year again — it’s snowing, and people are posting picture after picture to their social-media accounts with captions about how “beautiful” it is.

These people are wrong. Snow is not beautiful; it’s the work of the devil.

First of all, the fact that it’s snowing means that it’s most likely winter, which is easily the worst season of the four. Easily. It’s cold outside all the time, and you can’t walk out the door without feeling like you might actually die. So, you try to avoid it. This means that not only are you forced to deal with hell when you do go outside, but you’re also saddled with higher Uber and Seamless bills than you are the rest of the year because of all of those times that you didn’t.

Snow is making you cold; snow is making you broke; do not forget to be angry at snow.

Let’s not forget that with snow comes ice, and with ice comes a huge chance that you’re going to fall down. I remember one New Year’s Eve, I slipped on some ice and fell squarely on the ledge of an inground pool. I was bruised for weeks. When you cheer for the snow, please understand that you are also cheering for my pain all those years ago, and for the pain of all who have fallen after me.

Oh, and chances are you’re also sick. If you’re like me, you had the flu two weeks ago, and you already have a cold again now. Why? Because you don’t live in a habitable climate.

Snow is absolutely atrocious, and it is nothing to be excited about. No, not even at Christmas. Snow doesn’t make Christmas; snow ruins Christmas. The Christmas Eve before last, there was a brutal snowstorm back home in Detroit. It was so bad that my family and I couldn’t go to my uncle’s house for Christmas Eve dinner. This meant that instead of getting to enjoy the delicious pierogi and smoked fish and other traditional Christmas Eve dishes that I look forward to all year, we had to stay home and eat eggs. F***ing eggs, bro! I am not afraid to admit that I am personally angry at whoever’s “White Christmas” prayers caused this atrocity, even if that person was a child.

Although, to be fair, I’ll go a little easier on children. I’ll say this: If you are a child, you get a pass on liking snow. If you’re under the age of 13, you’re allowed to like it because it means you get to build forts and snowmen and have snowball fights before your brain has developed enough to realize that playing with chunks of cold, icy death that fall from the sky is not the best way you could be spending your time. I can admit that when I was a child, I did like snow — but I can also admit that I now understand that this is because I was an idiot. I mean, I was also eating rock salt off of the ground. But anyway, children are the only people who get a pass on liking the snow, besides people who do winter sports professionally. Notice, I said professionally, because if you do them recreationally (that is, without getting paid), that means you volunteer (again, without getting paid) to stand around exerting energy in an uninhabitable climate when you could just as easily be inside drinking whiskey, and therefore you are a fool.

Some of you might be thinking, “But I still think that snow is so beautiful.” Okay, well guess what? So is a lot of the devil’s work. Remember the Garden of Eden? I’ll bet that apple was beautiful, right? It must have been, or it wouldn’t have gotten eaten. If you think snow is beautiful from your window, just remember that what you are seeing is the work of the Prince of Darkness, and you should snap out of it.

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