Beto O’Rourke may think he wants to be president, but I am here to help him recognize the truth: What he really wants to be is an Instagram model.
Think about it: Beto O’Rourke has become (in)famous for insisting on posting videos of himself doing everyday things. Like getting his haircut. Or changing a tire. Or visiting the dentist. Truly, he actually seems to be clinically unable to prevent himself from doing so. In fact, even after a relaunch of his campaign on August 15 gave him the chance to set a different tone, he simply could not resist posting a video of himself struggling to make the world’s saddest cheeseburger just a matter of weeks later.
The bad news for you, Beto, is that approximately no one wants to see a politician doing this. The good news? There is another (sort of) profession that not only accepts, but also actually requires this kind of content. Yes — I am talking about the Instagram model.
Instagram models are not models, nor are they Instagram employees. Rather, they are people who somehow gain millions upon millions of followers on the social-media platform, all of whom apparently actually enjoy watching them performing tasks just as mundane as the ones in the cringeworthy videos that you seem to enjoy posting so much.
So, now that we have established that this is the career path that you would actually like to follow, how do we get you there? I am going to be honest with you: It isn’t going to be easy. This isn’t because you lack the talent — after all, it doesn’t require any. Rather, it is because you are, unfortunately, not an unemployed 18-to-25-year-old young lady, the demographic that seems to make up the majority of this “profession.” It is, however, also 2019 — so it would be wildly offensive and extremely problematic of me to suggest that you could not follow any career path that you choose to follow.
So, I am going to give you a crash course in succeeding in this profession, based on the “work” of the people whom I’ve seen doing so. The first, most obvious step is to start making all of your videos in a bikini. The skimpier the better, the more butt you’re showing the better, and super-extra-bonus points if the suit is from Fashion Nova and you tag them. You should also try as often as possible to be inexplicably soaking wet and/or covered in grease.
Second, you need to post more photos. Again — and I cannot stress this enough — at least 90 percent of these need to feature you in a bikini and/or leggings and a sports bra. You also need to make sure that you’re giving these photos the right kind of captions. To be an Instagram model, you absolutely cannot just post pictures of yourself in a bikini for the sake of people seeing you in a bikini — even if that is exactly what you are doing. No, you need to caption these photos with an inspirational quote so that people will know that you are not just a butt, you’re a gosh dang philosopher. A variety of options are possible, but anything that mentions “gratitude” and/or “self-acceptance” and/or “The Universe” usually works perfectly well.
Confused? Let me give you an example, just to start you out: The photo can be of you, on a beach, wearing a (preferably Fashion Nova) bikini, staring out into the water. (Again, do not forget to be inexplicably shiny, as if you had just jumped into the fryer at Popeye’s.) Then edit it to give you huge hips and a one-inch waist. Finally, add a caption such as this: “Don’t let the world define you. Be your own inspiration.” If you want to be even deeper, you can try: “Social media can make you compare yourself to others. Don’t let it. Remember: People only post their sunshine; they never show you the rain. So embrace yourself fully . . . all the cottage cheese, all the stretch marks, everything — because only through true self-acceptance can you find true happiness.” Preferably, follow this with at least one emoji (the twinkling stars work well). Oh, and absolutely do not worry about the fact that you yourself will be posting only your “sunshine.” For whatever reason, people don’t seem to notice the hypocrisy.
Finally, although cooking and food videos are encouraged, a video of a cheeseburger on an English muffin will absolutely not cut it. You need to be posting photos of açaí bowls, vegan burgers with gluten-free buns, and oat-milk lattes (preferably a photo of you with one of these lattes, sitting in front of a laptop, with a long inspirational diatribe about following your dreams and being your own boss with absolutely no mention of how you have only been able to do so because your parents gave you the money) instead. Make sure to clarify in the post that you are eating healthy because it makes you feel good (a quick way to do this is the hashtag #foodasmedicine) and not to look good, because you do not want to be seen as superficial even if you are making a living solely off of your physical appearance. Make sure you’re conveying the same thing with any photos that you post of yourself at the gym (and you have to post photos of yourself at the gym) by simply replacing words and phrases like “skinny” and “weight loss” with ones like “fit” and “fitness.” Yes, it’s still shaming, but it’s the socially acceptable way to shame now, and that’s what really matters.
You will also need to attend Coachella.
So — work it, Beto! Just follow my tips, and I’m sure you’ll be an official Flat Tummy Tea partner in no time!