Culture

Meet the World Expert on All Things: Tom Nichols

Tom Nichols on MSNBC (MSNBC via YouTube)
An ode to super-brain mastery.

Hello, I’m Tom Nichols. I have very fierce facial hair. I am a super-brain expert authority (™) on all things. You can find me in the Naval War College, USA Today, and in the dictionary, under the word “insufferable.”

I am in fact an expert on all things, except the management of time, 100 hours of which I spend on Twitter each week unclogging my nose at you fools who voted for Trump, you fools who are reluctant to vote for Socialists, and you fools who consider it conservative to appoint conservative judges. Which I have wittily dubbed “muh judges” while deriding you weirdos who oppose abortion. My Twitter handle is @RadioFreeTom because I’m sort of like the patriots who carried the message of freedom to Eastern Europeans suffering under the Soviet yoke, though I’m also on record as saying I’d vote for USSR fanboy Bernie Sanders over Trump. I am truly super-conservative and am in fact the suzerain, archduke, and General Secretary of all conservatives, so you have to listen to what I say, and I say vote Socialist.

My brand is being unorthodox, by which I mean “as predictable as Max Boot.” Frequently I say something like “As a conservative . . .” before adding that I’d vote for Bernie even if he taxed used kitty litter, for Elizabeth Warren even if she made me wear waffles as underpants, and for Kamala Harris even if she made me drive to work in a golf cart covered with Barbie decals.

I am also an expert on humor.

I am an expert on so many things that I wrote a book on the awesomeness of my own expertise. I am not sure that you citizens of weak and feeble faculties can even grasp the extent of my knowingness. Remember that Will Ferrell cartoon, Megamind? I’m still waiting for my royalty check, but whatever.

Perhaps you’ve read my latest published piece in USA Today, an urgent plea for people to leave their shoes on when flying. I am a noted authoritarian — sorry, I meant authority! — on what other people are allowed to do when I’m nearby. This, too, is conservative. I keep a bust of Lenin on my desk in case I forget that the Kulaks can be liquidated if they get too uppity.

You may have noticed that I have many times urged Democrats not to compare Trump to Hitler, when I haven’t myself been comparing Trump to Hitler, saying he’s borrowing Hitler’s tactics, calling his voters Hitler lovers, saying Hitler would be pleased by Trump rallies, or predicting that the GOP will nominate Hitler next. Honestly, you folk of feeble minds don’t understand that when a true expert walks among you, showering the world with his golden wisdom to the tune of some 286,000 tweets, he will sometimes sound like what a person of lesser mentality might term a fool. They called Einstein a fool when . . . . I’m not sure when, but probably they did. You look it up. I’m busy.

What keeps me busy is telling everyone on Twitter that Trump is, like, a Russian asset or something. Sure, this has become harder for most people after the Mueller report kind of ruled that out, but when your brand is super-duper macho expert on all things, you can’t back down from things you said with so much manly confidence so many times. “Unfalsifiable proposition,” you say? Peabrain. I operate at a realm beyond the reach of your sissy logical fallacies. I could explain it to you, but your cranium would probably explode. (Cranium means brain.)

Example of my prescience: I regularly tweet variations of “Who told you years ago that Assange was a front for Russian intelligence? That would be me.” Okay, true, I said that in September of 2016, and the New York Times ran multiple stories on this in July and August of 2016, but not everyone is smart enough to go down to the newsstand and pick up a copy of the morning paper. Hey, some of the stuff I do is comprehensible to mere mortals. Sometimes I’m just your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man!

I meant to say conservative Spider-Man. Yes, I retweet liberals who say things like: “There was no reason to vote against Hillary Clinton that isn’t, in retrospect, a better reason to have voted against Donald Trump,” but only because my intelligence level is of such an advanced nature that I alone can perceive how a Hillary Clinton presidency would have been more to the liking of conservatives. Of whom I am one. As I keep telling you.

If you want to know more about my super-expert expertise, I suggest you contact a little place they call Harvard, where I teach. Well, not Harvard Harvard. It’s something called “Harvard Extension School,” an online campus notable for its open-admissions courses. The people who call this a “glorified community college” are not funny and will be dealt with. Wikipedia notes that of the half a million students who have taken courses at the Extension School, “0.18% earned a degree.” Do they need a degree, though? They got to bask in my awesomeness. I don’t want to brag, but at Harvard (Extension School) I hold the title of “instructor.” They offered me “Global Leader in All Thought Categories” but I humbly told them I wanted to be known as just a teacher. Like Jesus.

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