Health Care

Own the Libs; Get Vaxxed

A person receives a dose of the Johnson & Johnson coronavirus vaccine at a vaccination center in Chicago, Ill., April 6, 2021. (Carlos Barria/Reuters)
When you get vaccinated, you are spiking a football marked Trump’s Warp Speed right in Fauci’s face.

My fellow conservatives, I bring bad news. The liberals are laughing at us. Too many of us have become vaccine snowflakes, tying ourselves up with nervous-Nelly consternation about the alleged ill effects of vaccines, which are almost perfectly safe and almost totally effective. One poll showed 49 percent of conservative men refuse to get vaccinated; another said 47 percent of Trump voters wouldn’t get the shot. Lefties love to hear all of this because they’re getting vaxxed up to the eyelids, while a bunch of us on the right are refusing some great American technology so that we can get creamed by a Communist flu.

Fellas, Trump himself got vaccinated, and it was glorious. In doing so, he rubbed the liberals’ faces in the fact that, under his watch, in one of the most astonishing American miracles since the moon shot, we got three different vaccines manufactured by the tens of millions and ready to go. They were all approved within twelve months of the first COVID death in the U.S., and at every step of the way, every liberal from Bangor to Berkeley mocked Trump for saying he would make it all happen.

Trump fans should take this vaccine in the spirit of dunking on all the libs who doubted the mighty thrusting force of Trump’s Operation Warp Speed. Last March 5, nine and a half months before FDA approval of the first shot, Trump asked his experts whether we might see a vaccine “within a few months,” and Anthony Fauci instantly corrected him: “A year to a year and a half.” When Trump said in August that he was hopeful we’d see a vaccine by November — it would be November 20 that Pfizer submitted its data to the FDA to request emergency approval — CNN got so far over its skis that it actually ran a bizarre Fact Check of the Future upbraiding the president, pointing out that the obviously irrefutable and always-correct super-duper expert Fauci was still insisting the vaccine “would likely not be available widely until ‘several months’ into 2021.” Say it with me in Trump voice, friends: WRONG. Fauci turned out to be mistaken about so many things that he was like the Hillary Clinton of medicine.

When you get vaccinated, you are spiking a football marked Warp Speed right in Fauci’s face. Don’t hesitate: Glory in the opportunity. Go out and get yourself a shot, and yes, it is a “shot,” a small but manly jolt to the system, like an ounce of Maker’s. Only a lib would use that prissy British word, “jab.” Since when do we turn down a shooting opportunity?

Some of us are openly stating that we will not take the vaccine because the libs want us to take it, and we like to drink many frothy cups of their hot, salty tears with our morning side of beef on our way to the moose-hunting lodge. “I Won’t Take the Vaccine Because It Makes Liberals Mad,” writes Peter D’Abrosca of American Greatness. Let me emphasize that I entirely agree with Peter’s motivation here: Making libs mad is some of the most important work we do. Their misery = our joy.

But! Whether your goal is to take full possession of the libs, rent-to-own, or just sign a long lease on them, the goal is best accomplished by staying healthy and living long. Even if you yourself are not particularly vulnerable, if you aren’t vaccinated, you could pick up the virus without knowing it, accidentally pass it on to a vulnerable old guy who voted for Trump next time you’re down at the roadhouse, and kill old Vince or Mike, who have also refused the vaccine. Don’t kill Vince or Mike! These are the guys the libs are aching to see die off so they can turn this country into The United Socialist States of Berniestan. Don’t help them win.

The author of the American Greatness piece is young and healthy and highly unlikely to die from COVID. But if Peter did die of the virus, liberals would find it absolutely hilarious. Look at how they chortle over Ted Nugent denying, then getting very sick from, COVID. What kind of sick bastards would make fun of Ted Nugent, the greatest living American? The reason Peter must not die, or even get sick, from COVID is that we can’t allow the liberals to laugh, ever. If they laugh at us, they are winning. Keep in mind that these people are comedy anorexics — they’re so starved for mirth that they have to pretend Jimmy Kimmel, Trevor Noah, and Chelsea Handler are funny — and Peter would be serving them up a feast if he got sick: a colossal, all-you-can-eat, socially equitable, and 100 percent locally sourced vegan banquet. Don’t let them gorge themselves on gluten-free yam pizza and organic unfiltered cider on your psychological tab!

More important: To paraphrase that flawless American patriot Colonel Jessup*, I need you on that wall. Conservatives, if you are dead, or out of commission for any period of time, the cause loses you. We need you to keep reading NR, fighting back against stupid liberal policies, and incessantly mocking Foggy Joe and Kommie-la Harris.

I got vaxxed — two shots of Pfizer, three weeks apart, no side effects — and it was glorious. I could feel my cells renewing, my engines roaring, and my vital signs spiking. It was as if I had turned into the opening credits of The Six Million Dollar Man. When you get the shot, you are Popeye gulping down a can of spinach. You are Sergeant York mowing down a line of viral particles like German machine gunners. You are extending your life expectancy that you may go forth and own, dunk on, and sip the tears of libs for many delightful years to come.

*Just kidding. Colonel Jessup wasn’t flawless. He should have denied everything instead of letting that wussy lawyer trick him into confessing he ordered the Code Red. He committed the one unpardonable sin: He allowed himself to get owned by a lib.

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