Based, once again, on a totally and completely very objective study.
Based, once again, on a totally and completely very objective study
T here are many subjects on which conservatives differ. Foreign policy. Trade deficits. Landlords from Queens. Soccer communism. But perhaps the matter of greatest significance is the coffee bean.
The bean, as George Will reported from the Pacific Northwest in 2017, is no small thing. Coffee can lead to ribaldry, which can lead to brothels.
Mr. Will wrote:
In the nearby city of Everett, Liberty Ziska and some other bikini baristas, giving new meaning to coffee as a stimulant, have provoked the City Council to pass, unanimously, ordinances requiring baristas to be less nearly naked when they work. The baristas, in turn, have hired a lawyer and made an argument that is germane to current disputes about freedom of speech. Their argument, they might be surprised to learn, is Aristotelian. Sort of.
Everett has not succumbed to Pecksniffian Comstockery: The police chief and city attorney allege that bikini barista stands attract a clientele that sometimes behaves badly, and that some of the baristas do, too. The city reports “a proliferation of crimes of a sexual nature occurring at bikini barista stands,” which it primly suggests has something to do with “the minimalistic nature of the clothing worn by baristas.” Seattle’s ABC affiliate reports that “in 2014, the owner of Java Juggs pleaded guilty to running a brothel out of several stands.”
Anyway: While coffee production and consumption are morally hazardous, that beautiful brown liquid is nonetheless an essential part of American life. As such, the problematic bean juice deserves to be poured into the best possible vessel. Thus commences the second annual conservative mug showdown, in which the best mugs of conservatism duke it out. This year’s contestants are Commentary, Law & Liberty, the Manhattan Institute, the Morning Dispatch, and, of course, National Review.
To make this contest as objective as possible, the National Review Conservative Coffee Cup Review Committee (NRCCCRC), of which I am the self-appointed czar and sole member, has conducted a Consumer Reports–grade study. Whosoever is dubbed the winning institution can, from this day forward, opt to refer to its mug as the “Best Coffee Cup in Conservatism” in all literature, digital and physical — at least until next year’s competition. National Review has worn the victor’s belt well the past year but now returns the prize back to the competition.
The study shall assess the mugs on the basis of three categories: Appearance, Function, and Heat Retention.
Ratings are on a scale of one to four, with four being the best.
Appearance and Function
Is the cup aesthetically pleasing in color and form? Is the design durable? How comfortable is it in hand?
- Design The Commentary mug is sexier than a chalice of conservatism has any natural right to be; it’s the Christian Louboutin stiletto of the bunch, with its matte black exterior and glossy scarlet interior. A date-night coffee mug.
- Comfort Structurally, the mug is a portly three-finger deal with a slightly abrasive base. The weight rests on the second knuckle of the ring finger — fine for short periods.
- Lettering If you like a lot of words, and listeners of the Commentary podcast, helmed by editor John Podhoretz, obviously do, this mug may be your cup of tea, with “Keep the Candle Burning: The Commentary Magazine Podcast” and the Commentary podcast logo fetchingly festooning both sides.
- Durability After a year, the mug is still striking to the eye. However, nicks and marks in the matte finish are unavoidable.
- Warning Use of mug may cause a sensation of crushing morosity.
- Origin China
Appearance: 3
Function: 2
- Design Humbly midwestern, L&L’s mug is, as the website describes it, “hearty [and] reliable, reflective of good old-fashioned Midwest American simplicity.” I tend to agree. The coloring is manila, with handsome blue lettering. It’s the sort of mug one brings home to Mom; this tankard probably has a 401K. However, ’tis a bit drab; it looks like a mug that hangs out in the breakroom cabinet along with a couple others from a Panama Beach, Fla., spring break in 1993.
- Comfort The most comfortable to hold of all the mugs, it’s the Goldilocks of trade-offs. With a true three-finger handle, there’s enough space for even sausage fingers to fit with ease. The Morning Dispatch’s four-finger (see below) is almost as good, but a three-finger allows for a controlling thumb above while the pinkie is free to balance from beneath.
- Lettering Blocky and forthright. The only mug whose lettering is aligned to the left margin instead of centered, the length of the words makes this uniquely asymmetrical feature attractive.
- Durability With a glossy finish and monotone coloring, L&L’s vessel defies fingerprints and dings — it’s a 1985 Ford Bronco.
- Warning Use of this mug increases the risk of quoting lines from Hoosiers and accusations of practicing libertarianism or unlicensed fusionism.
- Origin China
Appearance: 2
Function: 4
- Design With a matte white exterior and a glossy sky-blue interior, the Manhattan mug is the prettiest of the bunch. If Reese Witherspoon were a maid at the Beast’s castle and subsequently cursed to become a household object, she’d be this mug.
- Comfort This is the manufacturing twin of the Commentary mug and shares the adequate but unremarkable sipping comfort of its mate. Whoever the two publications are sourcing from can make some showstopping drinkware.
- Lettering Some thought went into this lettering. Centered and compact, two vertical lines sit above and below the letters, lengthening the image into a skyscraping structure. Would not be surprised if Manhattan was a front for Batman’s political interests, judging by the design.
- Durability As with the Commentary cup, Manhattan’s matte finish is subject to marks and scuffs. Good for collecting change — and for shaking in an effort to get more of it, should you live on or under New York City streets.
- Warning Uttering “critical race theory” within a block of this mug will result in Chris Rufo kicking down your door and delivering the individualist’s elbow to all.
- Origin China
Appearance: 4
Function: 2
- Design If the Morning Dispatch mug strikes you as a self-consciously slightly taller and broader version of the National Review offering (with a dash of the Weekly Standard’s color palette, R.I.P.), you’d not be alone. The tass, tall and white, reminds the author of himself. It is the least visually interesting of the five.
- Comfort The added height allows the handle to house all four fingers, giving the user a passable set of brass (ceramic) knuckles — a fitting secondary application for a mug hailing from a publication that houses the pugilistic quills of Kevin D. Williamson, Jonah Goldberg, Allahpundit, and until very recently, David French.
- Lettering The lettering is single-sided, favoring the user, with a red box containing the Morning Dispatch’s title. Given the outlet’s origins as a newsletter, the box is a cool homage to the format. Unfortunately, the youthfulness of the publication is noticeable in the finished product, as the coloring of the letters is noticeably smudged. Also, a cheeky note on the mug’s bottom reads “Worth Your Time” to an onlooker, but owing to the body’s single-sided decal, only blank ceramic meets the eye of said onlooker. I’m confident the mug’s second draft will correct these issues.
- Durability The finish is glossy, similar to NR’s and L&L’s. The extra space allows for mixing Irish coffee without precious fluids slopping out.
- Warning Mug can cause the growth of gray scruff in those over forty and, conversely, the absence of facial hair in those under thirty-five.
- Origin China
Appearance: 1
Function: 3
National Review
- Design The National Review mug is a handsome fellow. Obviously influenced by the late-Neolithic mug style of the Beaker folk, this pipkin is as conservative in appearance as the magazine is in its content.
- Comfort Rests beautifully on the proximal phalanges in the three-finger method — second only to Law & Liberty.
- Lettering The only lettering that appears is “National Review EST. 1955” on both sides, so the imbiber and observers are both aware of whose mug one is drinking from. Convenient. The body is pearlescent, with the handle and interior in black — the duality of a man’s soul in mug form.
- Durability The mug indicates no wear after three years of daily use.
- Warning Users may develop a love for sailing and harpsichords, the former a harbinger of bankruptcy.
- Origin China
Appearance: 3
Function: 3
Heat Retention
Most like it hot: Does the cup keep it that way?
To ascertain which coffee conveyance keeps a user’s “hot brown” hottest for the longest, the reviewer boiled water and poured eight fluid ounces into each of the five vessels. His henchman (grad assistant) then took temperature readings every so often.
Temp Loss over Time
| Competitor | °F@5 min | °F@15 min | °F@30 min |
| Commentary | 157 | 125 | 105 |
| Law & Liberty | 160 | 128 | 108 |
| Manhattan Institute | 158 | 131 | 110 |
| Morning Dispatch | 163 | 135 | 113 |
| National Review | 159 | 132 | 111 |
Morning Dispatch: 3
NR and Manhattan Institute: 2
Law & Liberty and Commentary: 1
Conclusion
Score Tallies
| Competitor | Appearance | Function | Heat Retention | Total |
| Commentary | 3 | 2 | 1 | 6 |
| Law & Liberty | 2 | 4 | 1 | 7 |
| Manhattan Institute | 4 | 2 | 2 | 8 |
| Morning Dispatch | 1 | 3 | 3 | 7 |
| National Review | 3 | 3 | 2 | 8 |
As anyone with eyes to see can observe, National Review won going away. While the Manhattan Institute technically tied in the totals, an investigation found evidence of some pre-game juicing — plus, ties are an Old World conspiracy against success.
Thus, we of the objective NRCCCRC (one can trust any organization with at least two c’s in its acronym) award the NR mug the crown. The science (excuse me, the Science) is settled.
However you like your coffee, it’s best enjoyed in an NR mug, pairing beautifully with an NRPlus subscription.
Should you want fairness, I’m sure the contest for the best progressive mug is more equitable.