White Women, Beware 

Y ou may be thinking that you are a decent, law-abiding, considerate person named Mary, Rebecca, or Lucy. There’s no way you’d ever became a “Karen.”

Think again. You are not immune. You, too, are vulnerable to Sudden Onset Karen Syndrome, which can strike while ordering breakfast, going for a run, or sitting on a park bench — really, while engaging in any activity in a public place in proximity to someone with a smartphone.

The Karen Prevention Program is the groundbreaking, internationally recognized consultancy devoted to providing the guidance, training, and — if it comes to that — crisis communications and legal representation to keep you from becoming a Karen, or to fight your ostracism and firing if you do.

Our specialists, available 24/7, are devoted to keeping you from going Karen and minimizing the consequences of this pariah status.

KPP has dozens of testimonial like this:

“The KPP saved my reputation — and perhaps my job. It made me realize that my natural feelings of justice should always take a back seat to woke racial hierarchies in any situation involving a conflict and someone with an iPhone. My family will always be grateful.”

— Anonymous Caucasian mother of three, who let a group of youths cut in front of her family in line at the local amusement park and call her “an obnoxious b—” without any resulting social-media posts or national news coverage.

KPP operates from a number of principles that guide all our work and that we urge all our clients to absorb.

First, realize that, as a white woman, you exist under a pall of suspicion. If you are used to thinking of yourself as a “person” or a member of any other antiquated generic category — American, human being, etc. — you are putting yourself at unnecessary risk. White women used to be accorded respect as an oppressed group and were associated with the suffragists and first-, second-, and third-wave feminism. But now they are widely held to be agents of white privilege, prone to putting black lives unnecessarily at risk.

Second, it’s essential not to let small-minded concerns like protecting what’s rightfully yours interfere with the defensive measures necessary to avoid Karen status. Assume you are in the wrong. Apologize preemptively. Back away slowly, but not so slowly as to give offense.

Third, there’s no crying in Karen prevention. Although notorious racists like George Wallace and Lester Maddox weren’t known for their crying jags, tears in this context have become nearly synonymous with white supremacy. It’s imperative that, no matter how upset you might feel, you avoid any weeping — not even a sniffle. We will use our patented emotion-repression training based on the practices used by United States Navy’s Sea, Air, and Land teams to acclimate you to real-life stress-inducing situations and keep you safely dry-eyed throughout.

Fourth, it’s best always to have a top-flight attorney on retainer. KPP has relationships with some of the best defamation and employment lawyers on the planet. We will hook you up.

Our services are your insurance against the viral posts and headlines that will blow up some random contentious interaction and turn your life upside down.

The reputation you save may be your own.