Let’s extend kindness and compassion toward moms who place their children for adoption.
Let’s extend kindness and compassion toward moms who place their children for adoption.
F or many, Mother’s Day is a joyful celebration. But for some birth mothers — women who voluntarily placed a child for adoption — it can be a painful reminder of loss, judgment, and invisibility. While some birth moms choose to observe Birth Mother’s Day (the Saturday before Mother’s Day), others skip the occasion entirely. What often makes the day harder, though, is how society treats them — not just on Mother’s Day, but every day.
Mother’s Day can be complex, and our research shows that some of us may be contributing to this difficulty. After recently completing three in-depth focus groups and surveying over 1,100 birth mothers who voluntarily placed a child for adoption, we better appreciate the widespread diversity among this group. Birth mothers have varied backgrounds and experiences, and their demographics are wide-ranging in terms of race, age, educational status, etc. But what is true for more than 90 percent of birth mothers is their experience of stigma. Birth mothers perceive society as judgmental toward their decision to place a child for adoption. Whether from their parents, other relatives, friends, or members of their community, the vast majority of birth mothers have at least one person in their life who views their decision negatively. It’s no wonder that some birth mothers would be reluctant to celebrate a day that may lead to added stress.
One birth mother told us in a focus group:
One of the two people that knew [about my adoption decision] . . . I think she was kind of judgmental towards my decision. And we’re still friends, and we just, we don’t talk about it. . . . There was definitely judgment present.
It’s worth asking yourself: How do I think about birth moms? Do I harbor negativity, bias, or harmful stereotypes? Is it possible I have — even unintentionally — communicated disapproval or judgment toward the birth moms I know, or in a group setting where I may not know if someone is a birth parent?
In the words of one birth mother:
We did not place our children for any neglectful reason. We’re not neglecting duties or our child or our culture. We love our children, and we did what we know is best for our child. And it was not done out of neglect. I always fear when I share my story, someone’s going to think that I placed my child because I was like using drugs or drinking, and it’s like, this was a choice. . . . And I think ultimately, it’s always an act of love. Not neglect.
It’s also worth considering if we have an outdated or inaccurate understanding of the parents who choose to place their children for adoption. What do you presume the motives are for those who place children for adoption? What do you think these parents were considering? Honest reflection may help you identify ways you have communicated poorly in the past, and it may help you think clearly about how you’d like to communicate in the future.
The good news is, in addition to perceiving stigma, birth mothers also told us that they had many people in their lives — family, friends, adoption professionals, and others — who provided support for them and their decision. Furthermore, the majority of birth mothers expressed satisfaction with their own decision to place for adoption, including telling us they believe this was the right decision for them, and they believe adoption can work in a child’s best interest as well.
Despite the positive news that most birth mothers are supported and most feel good about their decision, we can’t ignore the real negative impact of those who are unsupportive and stigmatizing. For any of us, just one criticism will stand out in a large sea of support. Call it human nature, or what social scientists call negativity bias, it is normal for any of us to overly weigh and consider negative input compared to positive information.
If you know a birth mother, it’s a great time to check in on her. A friendly message letting her know you care about her may brighten her day, irrespective of whether or not she feels like celebrating Mother’s Day. If you’re a birth mother reading this, regardless of whatever messages you’ve received from ignorant or judgmental members of your community, please know there are a lot of us who wish nothing but the very best for you, on Mother’s Day, Birth Mother’s Day, and every other day of the year.
Ryan Hanlon is president and CEO at National Council for Adoption. Janelle Basham is executive director at BraveLove.