Food of the Future? I’ll Pass

T he other day at the store, they announced a new low price for eggs: $1.99. We all remember the horrible days of Biden-era hen fruit, when you’d see the price and check the box for the word “Faberge.” Why was that? Inflation in general and a bird flu in specific, apparently. A billion birds were culled, and the nation was down to a few dozen overworked hens. That’s over. Now, you look at the high price of hamburger, and wonder: cow flu? Will this ever come down? You have three reactions:

1. Buy it as you normally would, but think, “Leftover Obama-era cow-flatulence surtax to combat global warming? Was DOGE for naught, if they didn’t cut this?”
2. Buy less of it. This is sad.
3. Train yourself to eat soy substitutes, which may or may not be enhanced with natural protein sources like “grasshopper.”

Option three: Well, no. We laugh in Hearty American Amusement at the idea. Proof of our contempt can be found in the recent stock performance of Beyond Meat, the travails of which were passed around on X the other day to much crowing. It had traded at $174 a while ago, but now, it can be had for a bundle of sticks or a handful of shiny beads. It’s a reminder of two things:

1. For every person who bought Apple when it was two bits a share and is now sipping an Aperol Spritz on Lake Como, there must be a hundred who bought into the Next Sure Thing, only to see their money evaporate like the morning dew in Death Valley.
2. We have an aversion to AI food, these deceitful simulations of true hamburger happiness. You may remember Quorn, which is not a Star Trek species but a meat substitute made from a microfungus discovered in Great Britain in 1967, which makes you wonder if they found it in the crook of Keith Richards’ elbow. It was touted as a meat replacement for the inevitable future when beef would be rare, and the population of eleventy billion people could not afford it. There are other meatless options now, but they preach to the choir (the thin, pale, listless choir).

The only way this stuff would ever work would be if it cost half as much and tasted twice as good. Our rejection may irritate its proponents — like that picture of rude animal spirits, Bill Gates — but they’re welcome to their 3-D printed steaks and cricket smoothies.

The price of beef will probably come down at some point, as these things often do. And then a tomato blight will send ketchup futures soaring. Maybe that’s a good investment. See you at Lake Como!