Electric vehicles have their place. But probably not in my garage.
Electric vehicles have their place. But probably not in my garage.
E lectric cars now make the news when someone stops making them, or a venerable high-buck brand brings out their own special version. You may recall how Jaguar automobiles destroyed their entire brand. Someone in the boardroom asked: “What should we do to sell our new design, and change our image for a new generation?”
The consultants said: “Put a man in an orange dress, paint his hair white, and have him swing a sledgehammer.”
What followed was predictable: The cringe was so great it rippled back in time and removed all traces of Jaguars from human history. Men who were driving down a curving lane in England in 1952 were suddenly thrown against the pavement as their vehicle evaporated out of shame, tumbling into the ditch. What happened to my . . . my — I can’t even remember the name of it! The ad agency responsible for the rebranding was dissolved in a vat of acid, and the executives who approved the rebrand were sent to North Korea.
This probably won’t happen to Ferrari, though. It just released the Luce, an immensely expensive electric car that, said the Wall Street Journal, “isn’t your father’s Ferrari.” Keen grasp of the average reader’s demographic, there. It’s akin to saying “this isn’t your mother’s Faberge egg nestled in a Hermes scarf in a Dior bag,” but never mind. The car is sleek and modern and bespoke in all details, and has a LOUD option:
The engine roar, so critical to Ferraris, can be provided by what the company calls an “external amplification system” that pumps the natural sound of the electric axles out to the street. It can also be turned on in the cabin for driving feedback in “performance mode.”
Wonderful! We’re all wary of those electric cars that glide around making a faint angelic hum; nice to know we’ll be able to admire the Luce as it passes and think, “I do enjoy the ersatz amplified sound of its axles distributed through an external speaker system. I am impressed by the driver and wish to be him and have many ladies who desire me.”
Surely, this option is customizable. Hot-rod sound today. Tomorrow, Jetson flying-car bleeble-blurble. The next day, playing-cards-in-bike-spokes.
Of course, the Luce is made of glass. Well, the top part. That’s on-brand for Jony Ive, the famed Apple designer, who assisted in its design. Perhaps Luce drivers will be like iPhone owners and swaddle the car with an ugly plastic case that prevents the roof from shattering because the truck in front of you spat a pebble.
The specs are amazing: It will hit 60 miles per hour in 2.5 seconds, a capability that’s quite useful when you need to get across town fast because the Joker is going to blow up a hospital. It has a top speed of 195, although after you hit 188, you are transported back to 1955 for comic misadventures. It only goes 330 miles before the battery dies, but really, if you’re going that far, you’re taking the Gulfstream.
It seems like a car made specifically for George Clooney. You hope he buys one! It’s probably one guy’s job at Ferrari to sell it to George Clooney, and every day, he has to check in with his manager: “Did not sell a Luce to George Clooney. Goal for tomorrow: Sell Luce to George Clooney. Will report back.” Even if Clooney buys one, there’s the rest of the run to offload — but it might not matter. One car expert on X — okay, a guy who was familiar with EU car regulations . . . okay, a guy who had been talking with someone familiar with EU regs — said that Ferrari didn’t make the car to sell it. They made it to bring down the average carbon impact of their entire line and thus avoid fines. It’s all for show. The regulators fly to the company HQ in private jets, drive gas-consuming cars to the HQ, then ask “what have you done to help the planet and reduce the emissions that may alter the climate and put New Orleans in America underwater by 2057?”
The company says, “we made a glass car with a big poisonous battery that gets less mileage but has a simulacrum of the vroom-vroom sound men like, and it is so expensive only 23 people on earth can buy it.”
“Good. See you next year.”
EVs have their place, and they have their fans. But most people still want gas cars. Honda recently killed three EV models, pivoting to hybrids after posting big losses on the EV bet. Chinese EVs may try to conquer the U.S. market, but we all know they’ll spy on us and get bricked if China attacks Taiwan. I should note that the last time I was car shopping, I drove two EVs, and they were fantastic cars with neck-snapping pick-up. But is there a big established network of stores on convenient street corners and small towns and distant empty highways where I can pull in and recharge in three minutes?
There is not. End of story. I have enough modern anxiety when my phone battery is under 50 percent. I don’t need that from my car when it’s 2 a.m., in a blizzard, and I’m 90 miles from home. I think George Clooney would agree.