The future probably won’t be that different from the past.
The future probably won’t be that different from the past.
A man slips into a coma in 2026, and the miracles of modern medicine keep him alive. When next he opens his eyes, he sees a doctor who tells him he’s been sleeping for five years. After catching up with friends and family, he asks to see the doctor, a well-informed man who can bring the newly revived citizen up to date.
“So tell me, Doc — the war in Ukraine? How did it end?”
“It . . . hasn’t, although there are signs that Russia is reaching the end of its abilities to fight. They’ve run out of manpower and are now sending in ultrasound pictures of soldiers yet unborn, but they still managed to capture a village of three people half a meter from where the border was last year, so they’re calling that a win. Ukraine has been sending waves of their new mosquito-sized drones every night; they’ve set the Kremlin on fire for the ninth time, destroyed 87 percent of the oil infrastructure, and somehow they managed to go back in time and shoot down Sputnik, which was regarded as the last straw that would topple Putin. In retaliation, 17 historians of the USSR’s space program fell out of windows. Russia still occupies Crimea, although lately they have been supplying it with carrier pigeons. The Ukrainians responded by altering the magnetic field of the earth, the means by which the pigeons navigate, so most of them fly into the Black Sea and drown. Experts say the war could drag on for another year, maybe two.
“Elsewhere, well, you really missed some fireworks last week! A combined U.S.-Israeli strike package severely degraded Iran’s ability to put its enriched uranium on a ballistic missile. The uranium was buried under at least two inches of rubble, and the missile is now leaning at a 25-degree angle. Experts say the program was set back at least three hours. The president said it stood as a reminder that Iran will not be allowed to place its bomb on a rocket but must live up to its agreement to just admire the bomb in its hangar. Although since Iran helped Hamas launch 5,316 rockets into Israel last month, Iran was warned it could not pat the bomb and call it pet names as per the agreement, nor could it polish it so it gleamed nicely. The Iranians have reportedly violated the agreement and are calling the bomb “Sweetie Pie” — in Farsi, of course.”
“Hamas? They’re still around?”
“Yes, after Gaza was rebuilt, they were reelected to every local office. They were very popular, since there were so many new buildings with all the amenities. They stopped calling the 2023 Israeli reprisal ‘genocide’ and now refer to it as ‘urban renewal.’”
“And Lebanon? Are they free of Hezbollah and working toward rebuilding their past glories as the Paris of the Levant?”
“Welllll, a few years ago, Israel took out everyone in Hezbollah by activating space lasers that surgically vaporized the parts of the terrorists’ brains responsible for hate and aggression. Hezbollah was a spent force, but it recruited 48,417 new men in six months, and they’re wearing metal helmets to protect their brains. WWII German surplus — ironic, really.”
“Let me guess: China hasn’t invaded Taiwan? Right. And North Korea is no danger of collapse and recently launched a missile that crossed Japan, prompting outrage but no response, right? Right. But at least the awakening of Europe to the dangers of mass immigration surely bore fruit — there were rallies and marches and upstart parties when I was last awake.”
“There are still rallies and marches. In the U.K., the two main anti-immigration parties, Restore and Remain, split the vote, then split it again with the right-wing parties Renew and Revive, which led to the Greens sweeping the elections. They’ve rotated the statue of Churchill outside Parliament so it faces Mecca.”
“Has anything changed at all? Anything?”
“Well, The Simpsons were cancelled.”
“Finally. I tell you, it’s odd for a show to be written by people who grew up watching it. I — ”
“Sorry, I was kidding. It’s been renewed for another season.”
“Great. As long as you’re being honest, anything else you’d like to tell me?”
“Yes. You’ve actually been asleep for ten years.”