A Peek into the Fauci Diaries

E xcerpts from Anthony Fauci’s unearthed mash note to his excellent, fabulous career:

• Irresponsible people are suggesting that Covid-19 came from the Wuhan Virology Laboratory, and we need to make sure that this is regarded as a racist statement made by bad-faith racists who want to smear China. The messaging must emphasize that the virus came from an open-air market awash in blood and feces where barefoot people eat raw bat meat with their dirty hands. One of my colleagues today said that sounded more racist than anything else, and I reminded him that I’m the one with the president’s ear, not him. By the way, Trump has strange ears, and when I look at mine in the mirror, I am reminded that they have a much more pleasing shape, the ears you’d find on a much younger man.
• Total cases: 16,934. Total deaths: 256. Total thread count in my sheets: 800, which I mentioned to the reporter who asked if I was having trouble sleeping.
• Appeared on CNN tonight with Jake Tapper. He’s channeling the nation’s respect, I think, when he calls me “doctor” — it’s just “Tony” when we’re having dinner. I think the makeup girl was flirting with me. She said something about the “fray on my tie,” and I said “no one will know, no one will care.” Turns out she said she was “afraid to die,” not “fray on my tie,” I had that thing in my ear (which is very handsome) so I didn’t hear her correctly. Will have assistant send her a signed photograph. Attractive woman, Russian accent. Talk about your “furrin (foreign, ha ha) cleavage.”
• Total cases: 24,934. Total deaths: 356. Another meeting with Trump. He respects me and listens to my advice. I recommended closing down the Olive Gardens for a month, which he did by executive order. I watched the stock drop by 50 percent. Incredible to think I can have that much influence on the price of the unlimited bread bowls. Tomorrow, I will recommend closing the AMC movie theaters. Their floors are always sticky, and the theaters are always too cold. My shapely ears were almost numb the last time.
• Total cases: 32,934. Total deaths: 956. Someone sent me a mask that has my lower face printed on it so people can look like me while masking. Wore it at the office, but the receptionist wasn’t laughing. She said her grandmother had died last night, and she couldn’t be with her except by Zoom. Sad story, but I was on Zoom with Brussels officials yesterday, and the lighting and camera angle was unflattering — we all have to accept some disappointments.
• Meeting with producers of Gray’s Anatomy to suggest a plot line where a Covid lab-leak believer named Bay Jhattacharya gets Covid, refuses help from a Chinese nurse, and dies. Sent emails to NIH about doing a search-and-replace for “gain-of-function” and swapping it out for “Gaiyne O’Funkshein,” a Gaelic–Israeli researcher. Long day. Will moisturize earlobes in prep for Vanity Fair shoot and then to bed. AMC stock down.
• Total cases: 142,235. Total deaths: 23,364. Zoom meeting again with Deborah Birx, talking to EU leaders about closing borders and setting up quarantine camps. Suggested setting up camps in Eastern Europe with good rail access, and as a nod to my colleague’s efforts, perhaps a sign over the camp entrance should say “Birx Will Make You Free.” Audible groans, not sure why.
• Total cases: 342,235. Total deaths: whatever. Thought: not just a biopic about my life, but a musical biopic. Should call Bono to see if he’d be interested. We did such good work on AIDS, even though people kept insisting on getting it. A musical biography about the Covid epidemic would be a smash hit. I don’t think I could direct it. But I’m sure I could claim a co-producer credit.