The Big Changes to Change

‘H ave you noticed the change in the quarter?” I asked a friend the other day. He thought a moment and said no, because he can’t remember the last time he had a quarter, let alone looked at one. Pocket change is a thing of the past if you’re a tap-or-swipe type. There’s no dish of dimes on the bedroom bureau. Parking meters, laundry machines — there’s an app for that, so you needn’t hoard quarters. No one plays pinball; no one sidles up to the cigarette machine and clatters in coins for a fresh pack of nails; no one feeds dimes and nickels into a pay phone slot and hears the machine mechanically digest them. We thought there would always be a penny, but they’re gone now, and no one hands them out in change. They just vanished from the culture like someone who fell out of favor with Stalin.

But they’re still making quarters. The only reason I’d noted the alteration was because I’d used — gasp — cash to buy something, and the clerk gave me a handful of shiny new coins. The quarters felt insubstantial, as if they had half the heft of the old ones. I looked at the obverse, expecting the usual pitiless eagle clutching lightning and foliage — but no. What the devil is this?

We’re used to the backside of quarters having a rotating theme, ever since the Mint released the 50-state series. They weren’t always the greatest designs, but they were fun to collect, if you were ten. But now we have a series celebrating various Americans, and you might look at the coin and think: What? Who?

That’s Celia Cruz, the Queen of Salsa, a Cuban singer who fled after Castro took over. A year after her death in 2003, the Miami Herald reported that she was linked to the pre-revolution Communist Party, which, if true, might make her the first Red on the quarter. Well, she was young and was critical of Castro after he took over, so give her a break. Azucar! was her catchphrase. I had no idea who she was, so I’m glad to make her acquaintance.

Alas, most of the designs are banal. They try too hard. They cram in too much information.

Where did this all start? There was a law passed in 2021 that set up the process and requirements for 250th anniversary coinage. Special emphasis was put on finding women to populate the obverse side. Sounds Woke, yes, but on the other hand, it made me look up the subjects on Wikipedia. What’s wrong with that?

Nothing. But people get peeved when you mess with the money, as bank boffins in Great Britain have learned. The Telegraph reports: “Bumblebees, puffins, barn owls, and hedgehogs will feature on the Bank of England’s next series of banknotes, replacing Winston Churchill and other British historic figures.”

They are less polarizing, perhaps. Puffins look like they’re having a bad allergic reaction, but at least they didn’t squander life and treasure at Gallipoli. Hard to imagine Tucker Carlson insisting that barn owls are the real villains of history. Everyone admires bumblebees. Still, it’s the idea that you have to replace Winston with hedgehogs. That sends a particular message. It never occurred to anyone to commission a new bill that shows Churchill with a hedgehog in his lap, or Alan Turing with a finch on his outstretched finger.

When they replace, you notice, and wonder why. You’re usually right.

Well, good thing no one was replaced on the new quarters! Except someone was.

George.

That’s what surprised me the most: When I flipped over the quarter, there wasn’t the usual side view of Washington, with his usual expression of resigned and slightly annoyed forbearance. My teeth hurt and I’d rather be home with Martha, his expression seemed to say, but I know my duty. No: George was gone.

The semiquincentennial quarter has Jefferson! They swapped out George for Thomas, and no one seemed to notice or care. No one is standing in a store looking at the change slid across the counter and saying hold on, this can’t be a quarter, it doesn’t have the American Cincinnatus looking right, but a half-body picture of Tom, looking left. The coin also has dates: “1776 ~ 2026,” which sounds as if the Republic is expected to die of old age at the end of the year.

The coins will revert to the proper pic of Washington after 2026, but expect them to play with the obverse as long as they let us use cash. Perhaps that will be our best argument against the cashless society: If you take away real money, you’re marginalizing and erasing famous female Cuban salsa artists. That might work. For a while.

Hey, come to think of it, you know who I’d love to see on a quarter? Churchill. He’s available. They don’t want him; we’ll take him.