Dear Israel

I didn’t want to write this email, but I feel like we are growing apart.  This is so hard because we had so many good times, like experiments in socialist agriculture, and handshakes with Yasser Arafat.  I will always smile when I remember how you were your best self on that day.  It didn’t work out, but taking those kinds of risks was what I loved so much about you.  Too bad about that pizzeria bombing, but I think it was all worth it in the end.  It’s all about the journey, not the destination.

But you’ve changed.  You’re always like “Oh no, thousands of missiles are being fired at our cities” and “Let me tell you about those death squads who infiltrated through underground tunnels to attack our farms.”

I think you’ve lost all perspective.  Most of those missiles miss and you’ve stopped most of those infiltrators.  But it is still all about how your people have to go into bomb shelters and how your farmers are worried about being massacred.

And don’t give me this stuff about how the people who are bombing your civilians are hiding behind their civilians.  Just as sure as I know there is a bridge between the West Bank and Gaza, I know you could target those rocket and mortar sites in civilian areas without hurting the civilians in those areas.  Have your pilots considered corrective lenses or not being evil or something?  I only say this because I care about you.

Other people have problems too you know, and you aren’t respecting my issues.  Have you ever tried dealing with the Tea Party and Ross Douthat?

That doesn’t mean we can’t like hang out, but make sure you text me only when you aren’t all obsessed about how some Anti-Semitic genocidal terrorist groups are launching attacks on you right that minute.  I think we could really connect again, and I could always use someone to talk to on those days that Ted Cruz is just driving me so crazy.

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