The U.S. Department of Agriculture Needs Submachine Guns.

The problem with trying to parody runaway federal bureaucracies is that reality always catches up with your imagination and attempts to surpass it:

A May 7th solicitation by the U.S. Department of Agriculture seeks “the commercial acquisition of submachine guns [in] .40 Cal. S&W.” According to the solicitation, the Dept. of Agriculture wants the guns to have an “ambidextrous safety, semiautomatic or 2 round [bursts] trigger group, Tritium night sights front and rear, rails for attachment of flashlight (front under fore group) and scope (top rear), stock collapsible or folding,” and a “30 rd. capacity” magazine.

In my novel, the Department of Agriculture’s Agency of Invasive Species does opportunistically emphasize its centrality to the Reagan administration’s Cold War defense policy and then later to the need for post-9/11 crop security and terrorist threats to agriculture.

But I never thought of having the USDA employees running around with submachine guns. It could have been an action thriller!

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