Greetings and welcome to this 110th performance of the Carnival of Fools! We’re always in a fairly reflective mood over at the Carnival — I am Pierrot, forever crying the tears of a clown — but it’s been a particularly bleak week for all fans of Chicago sports. Legendary coach Mike Ditka did The Super Bowl Shuffle off this mortal coil (at least he won’t have to live to see the Bears play in Indiana) as they got clobbered by their traditional rivals, the useless Green Bay Packers. Meanwhile, the dreams of the plucky, ascendant Chicago White Sox were shattered by a team I used to somewhat like before they changed their name to the Guardians during the era of “Peak Woke.” America yearns for a White Sox/Brewers World Series. America will probably get some slop like the Dodgers steamrolling the Rays on the way to a threepeat instead.
America in 2026, epitomized.
But as November 3 approaches, I prefer to contemplate the sad state of Chicago sports rather than stare once more into the electoral abyss. Because you’ve read it all already. (The cake is baked; every “take” has been taken.) And the glorious weather this weekend made it easier than usual, as the Chicago Marathon filled my city’s streets with hordes of runners and cheering throngs of supporters. I happened to have a balcony seat for the spectacle, and on a perfect 65-degree day it was genuinely heartwarming to feel the good vibes rattling from route and rooftop alike, echoing down along the breezy corridors of the boulevard. When it comes to shutting the city down while hordes of people troop through the streets for a mass spectacle, I’ll take the Chicago Marathon over the Chicago Teachers Union any day, for sure.
Alas, now we turn to the news of the week. Guess who the main performer is — again?
Trump’s Russian Diesel Deal Is Futile but Revealing
Have you noticed that the price of gas is still egregiously elevated over pre-war levels? Of course you have — you, me, and everyone else living in America, especially the Midwest and the Plains states. Forget about the price you pay to fill up your own private tank at the pump; think about the working man. The average national price for a gallon of diesel fuel now sits at $6.27 (from $3.66 a year ago) — and states like Iowa, Kansas, and Nebraska have agribusiness economies that quite literally run on diesel. The nation’s tractors and combines have become nearly twice as expensive to operate over the last year, and the GOP’s House and Senate positions are both directly threatened by the fallout in these states.
But Donald Trump has a fix for it! As our president proudly announced on Friday, via Truth Social, he believes his personal political fortunes are about to be bailed out by none other than our longstanding ally . . . the Russians:
I have just concluded a highly successful discussion with President Vladimir Putin, of Russia, wherein it was agreed that Russia will immediately supply over 300,000 Tons of Diesel Fuel to the American and Global Marketplace, another 500,000 Tons during the month of November, and 1,000,000 Tons immediately thereafter. Additionally, based on the condition of their Diesel Refineries, Russia will then deliver, within a short period of time, 3,000,000 Tons of Diesel Fuel. Between our TOTAL CONTROL of the Strait of Hormuz, and this great announcement on Russian Energy, Diesel Prices for Americans and, indeed, the World, will be COMING DOWN, IN RECORD NUMBERS, AND FAST! Lower prices for Americans, especially our Great Farmers, Ranchers, and Truckers, is my Greatest Priority. This is a very big and important announcement. Additionally, it must be understood, that Iran will not have a Nuclear Weapon! Thank you for your attention to this matter. President DONALD J. TRUMP
And you thought Don Jr. scored a haul from the Russians! Yes, for the sake of one brief headline that he imagines will give him relief from his Midwestern electoral woes, Donald Trump has decided to temporarily lift U.S. sanctions on Russia’s oil export industry. Those sanctions — enforced by the U.S. and its Western allies for four years — have helped cripple Russia’s already dilapidated economy since Putin launched his invasion of Ukraine in February 2022. They have played a key role in halting Russia’s invasion at a stalemate and opening a giant sucking chest wound in its economy, more so than any of Trump’s ham-handed attempts to broker peace since 2025 have.
Why would the president of the United States suddenly throw a sagging Russia this no-strings-attached lifeline, allowing it to infuse its war machine with billions of dollars funded directly by its strategic enemy? Well, you don’t really need to guess: Trump is nothing if not obvious, and he wants to make sure America’s “Great Farmers, Ranchers, and Truckers” know he’s willing to cut a deal with the devil and stab our allies in the back for immediate access to a pathetic fraction of U.S. demand for diesel. (The U.S. consumes roughly 3 million barrels, or 402,000 metric tons, per day.)
But also, on a more important (but unspoken) level, asking Russia to sell us diesel in direct contravention of America’s larger interests is the tacit admission of a larger truth: We seemingly have no plan on how to extricate ourselves from the Iran war and its attendant oil shock, so it’s time to go begging to our enemies. This won’t affect the price of diesel at the pump save at the barest margins, and not in time for Election Day. But it’s a headline! And Trump loves headlines, at least the ones he consciously generates.
Finally, the fact that Trump — in his political extremity — saw fit to turn to Russia also reaffirms a far smaller, and uglier, truth about him: He just likes Russia and Putin on a gut level, in a way he will never feel about our actual allies. As unthinkable as it would be for literally any other American president to suddenly inject a shot of life into the Russian war machine — remember, we currently claim to be seeking an end to the Russo-Ukrainian war, yet this would only prolong it — it makes all the sense for Trump to be indifferent to such considerations.
Trump has never been terribly psychologically complex: In his Cold War–shaped mind, Russia is forever coded as “strong,” our historic geopolitical foe deserving of respect — and maybe a little understanding as well. Meanwhile, Ukraine is coded in his mind with weakness, Biden Democrats, and Volodymyr Zelensky, the man who in Donald Trump’s mind will forever be synonymous with his first impeachment.
As I’ve noted before, few world leaders have a better bead on Trump’s mindset than Vladimir Putin. He plays both the “hard man” and the cunning flatterer to our president’s ego. (Trump respects the former but genuinely values the latter.) And all of that was before Putin paid for Donald Trump Jr.’s May destination wedding in full, via intermediary Umar Kremlev.
But at their core, money has never really driven these calculations. Ultimately, Trump can be reliably counted on to side with Putin’s interests for no better or more thought-out reason than his reflexive desire to curry favor with whomever he perceives to be the “strong horse.” (It’s why he endorsed Ken Paxton in Texas, if you recall — he wanted to get on the good side of an inevitability — and now he visibly regrets it in every rally.)
Ukraine, needless to say, has reacted to Friday’s news as one might expect: by crying betrayal and launching a new round of drone attacks on Russia’s various refineries. As far as the Ukrainians are concerned, Trump may have dropped sanctions on Russian oil — but good luck to the Russians on getting it out of Russia.
Trump was infuriated at this response. Clearly panicking online, yet again, he went out to announce an imaginary “Energy Ceasefire” between Ukraine and Russia (“Please don’t attack my precious oil before November 4!”). After Ukraine scoffed at this deal, which had been invented in Trump’s mind that morning, Trump stood outside the White House to bleat his discontent to the press (most of which was still boycotting him): “He better damn well stop,” Trump said of Zelensky. He sputtered onward, in a by-now familiar — and all too tellingly timed — rant:
You know what I suggest? I suggest they get a new leader who can make a deal because he could have made many deals and for some reason he never does. And let me go a step further. If I were president, you wouldn’t have ever had that war. . . . It started due to incompetence. It should have never started. You wouldn’t have lost 30% of your country already. You’ve lost 30% of your country and you’ve had over a million people killed. . . . That’s a war that should have never started and I think it’s time for Ukraine to get a new president.
Again, the internal logic is plain as day: Trump blames Ukraine for its own losses, and Russia not a whit. Now Trump blames Ukraine for threatening to scotch his oil deal. I never confuse America’s interests with Ukraine’s, just as I would not mindlessly conflate our geopolitical needs with Israel’s. But Trump seems to believe that his interests lie with Russia, regardless of America’s.
Trump’s Nobel Wail
Forever jealous, forever greedy of attention and flattery, and forever bored, Donald Trump didn’t stop himself with Friday’s Russian oil announcement. Over the weekend, he took to beating one of the deadest of all the king’s horses: the Nobel Committee’s continuing failure to recognize his contributions to world peace. This time, he was speaking in the context of 2026’s recently announced award winner, Navi Pillay:
This is the woman who received the Nobel Peace Prize over the Great United States of America, whose Representative, ME, settled eight Wars, and many other things. I know nothing about this woman, and neither does anyone else! In fact, to the best of my knowledge, no one ever heard of her other than the fact that she, very obviously, hates Israel. I don’t know what the woman has done. I settled 8 Wars, with letters being sent from every President and Prime Minister from the countries that I helped to the Norwegian Nobel Committee, and I’m about to settle, or win, two more, Iran and, Russia/Ukraine. They’re both happening at breakneck speed but, forget them, it’s the 8 that I’ve already settled, any one of which, in particular, Pakistan and India, would be far more than necessary to win the Nobel Prize. In actuality, I should have won 8 Nobel Peace Prizes, not just 1.
There are 438 more words to that, but for pity’s sake I decided not to inflict them on you. Instead, here are a hundred more from the next morning’s follow-up:
I settled 8 WARS, am close to ending or settling 2 more, got all of the Israeli hostages back, including the final 28, both living and dead, had hundreds of hostages, from countries all over the World, released and sent back home, won a war in Venezuela, and captured the violent dictator who so viciously ran that country, and stopped the number one state sponsor of terror, the Islamic Republic of Iran, from obtaining a Nuclear Weapon — AND MUCH MORE! Yet, with all of that I, or the United States of America, did not get the Noble [sic] Peace Prize. WOW!
More mush from the wimp. I just want you to note how casually and intentionally Donald Trump lies, even when he’s boasting: “I should have won 8 Nobel Peace Prizes, not just 1.”
Needless to say, Donald Trump has never “won” a Nobel Peace Prize, nor does he even possess one physically, no matter how willfully stupid he pretends to be. (The medallion itself is not the award, merely a token of it.) The fact that he bullied Maria Machado into giving over her medallion to him only feels more grotesque when you realize that, immediately afterward, he turned around and decided to support the Venezuelan dictatorship currently in place because Delcy Rodriguez promised to play ball and gave him a good headline on oil reserves that America will never see a dime from.
James Talarico Is Crazy, but Not That Kind of Crazy
A brief note on the stupidest scandal of recent days. James Talarico is missing! Well, was missing. Talarico was off the campaign trail for over a week with a nasty bout of the flu — he first announced it during a September 30 Zoom call with the U.S. Hispanic Business Council, where he indeed looked visibly ill — but since then has reemerged to the public.
Business as usual, you might think? Nonsense! Instead, a cloud of desperate online MAGA click hustlers decided that Talarico had secretly checked himself into a mental hospital and was currently suffering a nervous breakdown. First it was former L.A. mayoral candidate Spencer Pratt, who claimed on October 9 that a “source” had fed him the rumor (because, if anyone would know first, it’s a former reality TV show star and Republican).
Then, on October 11, notorious online grift-leech Nick Sortor claimed that he had cracked the case, and all he needed to do it was elicit a few light HIPAA violations. Sortor claimed that he and another researcher had confirmed that Talarico had fled the state altogether and checked himself into the Lindner Center of Hope (in Ohio), presumably to decompress from the stress of not being as manly as Ken Paxton.
The evidence offered was farcical, and the entire disgraceful mini-tempest ended almost immediately after (1) the Lindner Center officially denied that Talarico had ever received treatment from them for any reason; (2) Talarico pointed out he has never been to the state of Ohio in his life. Sortor promised his social media followers “more evidence” on Sunday night, before quietly slinking away into Monday’s darkness. Remember this the next time you see his name attached to, or pushing, any story online.
I promised no commentary on the polls this week, so instead I will note that incompetent partisans only start kicking humiliating own goals like these once they’ve entered the final throes of a losing campaign. I have no reason to directly connect Paxton’s people to this self-sabotaging gambit, but the fact that it was even ginned up at all by the online ignoramuses running America’s MAGA brain trust tells me that apocalyptic times are afoot.
I have a friend — a legitimately sober-minded, politically informed, well-respected man, mind you, not my typical raffish sort — who is half-convinced that James Talarico is more than merely progressive; he’s secretly evil. As in, hiding dark secrets, perhaps on a “Buffalo Bill” level. I don’t know if I would go that far, but a good joke is worth retelling, and in any event, even he agreed that Talarico obviously had the flu. And that the Senate seat is likely to go Democratic.
Would that it were not so. But these are the wages of Ken Paxton, a man who not only suppurates with corruption the way lepers ooze with pus, but who also campaigns with all the agility of Jabba the Hutt (albeit less of the physical charisma). Maybe the Republicans will squeak it out in Texas in 2026 — but they have done this to themselves.
Until next week.