Greetings and welcome to this 94th performance of the Carnival of Fools, where a fresh batch of performers is always on call, endlessly (mindlessly, hopelessly) dancing for your pleasure! Forget about the miseries of Iran or the global stage altogether for at least a week; it’s time for another dose of domesticity to cheer the audience.
Sure, U.K. Prime Minister Keir Starmer announced his resignation, but who cares about a minor backwater nation anymore? Once, the Brits were an empire; now? Well, they still mostly speak English, I guess, and also boast a mean classic rock back catalogue. Charlie Cooke ably summarized the U.K.’s woes yesterday afternoon; I shall add only the observation that English Labour always gets leaders with the faces it deserves, and if you’re familiar with the classic U.K. paparazzi trope, I’m predicting right now that Andy Burnham’s pickle-sucking smirk will look even better when photographed unawares in the back seat of a car than Starmer’s. (Bet on this happening in under twelve months.)
No, things are just as dire here Stateside.
Unleash the Democratic Socialists!
Once more to the hamster wheel of primary politics, dear readers, as we tackle yet another primary Tuesday! And while it’s true that the great States of Utah and Maryland are holding primary elections today as well, nobody really cares about their sleepy races — not when all eyes are on New York, as voters choose the form of their Democratic Destructor in several congressional races across the state.
The only good news likely to come out of tonight? Jack Schlossberg (known as the last living direct male descendant of President John F. Kennedy, but better understood as a semi-deranged trust fund failson) will not win in New York’s ultra-rich twelfth district, which encompasses most of central and upper Manhattan. And that’s not even good news for me, because I thrive on writing about people as unsympathetic as the Kennedy clan and stood to gain from a Schlossberg win.
Otherwise, the New York congressional delegation is about to lurch to the left: The wages of Zohranism are finally being felt. Mayor Mamdani was swept into office last November on a wave of progressive enthusiasm, and he is now flexing his muscle with endorsements of a slate of candidates in city congressional districts. (Ironically enough, even though Mamdani lives and votes in the twelfth district, he declined to endorse a candidate there.) Expect many of these lunatics to win.
Veteran Democratic Congressman Dan Goldman is as good as gone in New York’s tenth district (lower Manhattan and western Brooklyn), where he is certain to be toppled by former city Comptroller Brad Lander — running with Mamdani’s endorsement and encouragement. Why is a scandal-free incumbent like Goldman all but doomed? Because Goldman represents the old guard — insufficiently socialist and, worst of all, pro-Israel. (Lander, also Jewish, has run on an openly anti-Israeli/“Gaza genocide” platform. Occasionally he even has the honesty to express mild misgivings about it.)
In New York’s seventh district (covering parts of Brooklyn and Queens), departing Democratic warhorse Nydia Velázquez is almost certain to see her preferred candidate — Brooklyn Borough President Antonio Reynoso — denied the nomination in favor of upstart Democratic Socialist Claire Valdez, who may have moved to Queens only in 2015 as a student activist but has an inestimable advantage over Reynoso: the strong endorsement of both Mamdani and Bernie Sanders, as well as the aura of an outsider.
But of course, few Mamdani-endorsed candidates can compare to the magnificently named Darializa Avila Chevalier, running in New York’s 13th district (Harlem and parts of the Bronx) and challenging not merely any random incumbent, but Congressional Hispanic Caucus Chairman Adriano Espaillat. Chevalier, a Democratic Socialist, recently made the news for being so gung-ho pro-Hamas in her sympathies that she refused to even condemn the violence of the October 7 massacre. But that’s probably less troubling than her completely sincere — to the point of madness — belief in prison abolition. Needless to say, she’s at even odds to knock off Espaillat tonight.
New York City Democrats are in little mood for compromise, it seems, and from their point of view, why should they be? These are among the safest blue seats in the country — so expect the “Squad” to grow its ranks after the next electoral cycle is complete.
South Carolina Coda
The South Carolina governor’s race also features a runoff today. Since this is South Carolina, winning the GOP nomination for a statewide office is a bit like being hired for a job several months in advance of the final formal interview — so the battle to be lord of this particular sandbox was always destined to be fierce. The contest now comes down to Lieutenant Governor Pamela Evette and state Attorney General Alan Wilson.
And there, as always, is Trump: trying to strategically deploy his endorsement so he can claim at least some of the credit. In this particular situation, Trump already endorsed Pamela Evette before the primary — but it wasn’t enough to get her over the 50 percent mark in a race characterized (as has become a pattern) by a restless GOP electorate searching for unfamiliar candidates. (She got only 28 percent in a split field.)
Second-place finisher Alan Wilson — the adoptive son of Congressman Joe “You Lie!” Wilson, as it turns out — comes closest to filling that bill in South Carolina. As the state attorney general, he earned a law-and-order reputation that has enabled him to wrap up the remaining non-Evette vote, and he seems set to triumph handily tonight.
So what has Donald Trump done? Why, he’s endorsed Wilson, too! Yes, in a delightful example of Trump’s heads-I-win-tails-you-lose approach to endorsing, he’s decided to “co-endorse” both Evette and Wilson, so that he can claim he helped the victor win regardless of who it is:
There are two Highly Respected Candidates running to be your next Governor in the June 23rd Republican Runoff Election, your current Lieutenant Governor, Pam Evette, and your current Attorney General, Alan Wilson. Both have had amazing careers, and have been with me from the beginning. They are MAGA and America First all the way! These were the two that I was hoping would get into a Runoff, and they did. I can’t hurt one of them by only Endorsing the other, so, therefore, I am going to Endorse, for Governor of South Carolina, both Pam Evette and Alan Wilson! It’s a Wealth of Riches — With either one you can’t go wrong. Vote for Pam or Alan — They will not let you down! President DONALD J. TRUMP
Donald Trump, of course, had no such reservations about “only endorsing” one of them before the first round of the South Carolina primary — he endorsed Evette. But it is far more important that Donald Trump not be wrong, or seen as backing a loser. And since Wilson is certain to win tonight, Trump needs to take ownership of his candidacy. Needless to say, Evette’s team was intensely distraught at this development. But what did you expect from the scorpion, little frog? It’s his nature.
Brandon Johnson, Laser-Focused on the Issues
Last week, when celebrating all the good feelings the United States is soaking in during this year’s World Cup — hordes of foreign tourists puttering around America in national team colors, feasting from our cornucopia of consumer plenty — I lamented that Chicago wasn’t hosting any games of its own this year. Then I remembered that I live in Chicago, and that this is a land of wolves now.
Thankfully, Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson is always out there keeping his eyes on the prize, working on those key quality-of-life issues relevant to all city dwellers. And while we have had 38 shootings and eight fatalities this Juneteenth holiday in Chicago, Johnson is laser-focused on the secret crisis currently engulfing the city: transfemicide. Yes, it’s been a “state of emergency” since 2024 here in Chicago, apparently, and the Mayor’s Working Group has finally published its all-important report. Johnson responded with alacrity:
For too many transgender Chicagoans, the sense of belonging they deserve in their city has been denied by exclusion and barriers to opportunity in spaces that should feel safe and welcoming. Since declaring a Transfemicide State of Emergency, our administration has strengthened the City’s capacity to support LGBTQ+ Chicagoans. This framework builds on that work by centering the voices and lived experiences of trans Chicagoans to chart a path toward a safer, more connected city.
I will repeat a line I have already used once before: How do you solve a problem like Brandon except by waiting him out? He will never get any more competent or focused on the needs of Chicagoans, but he absolutely loves wallowing in progressive “initiatives” and “working groups.” He’ll be gone after February, and then I get to see what comes next, and decide whether it’s time to simply give up, move to Montana, and learn how to ride a pygmy pony across the landscape.
Until next week.