The Acme Corporation of St. Louis wishes to express its opposition to the bad bill that was passed through the legislature recently. As an employer that values equality, diversity, and inclusivity, we stand unequivocally against the bad things that this bill will do. Bad things harm all of us, and we understand that many of you are hurting at the prospect of those bad things happening to you.
At Acme, we believe it is important to speak clearly. And that’s why we are speaking out specifically against the parts of the bill that affect women’s health and dignity. Or voting, if that’s what this one is supposed to be about. Good Lord it is hard to keep up, isn’t it? Every few months, young people come into my office using words I don’t understand, crying, and making wild claims about what the latest thing they’ve read about on Twitter is going to do to America, and, to get rid of them I have to agree to write one of these letters. I’ve noticed that none of those horrible things I’m supposedly trying to stop ever actually seem to happen, but that this doesn’t seem to stop the requests. In my staff come — month in, month out — to tell me I have to stand up for this or urge that or be an ally of the other. So I do. I didn’t think this was that sort of job, but I guess every sort of job is that sort of job now.
One time, they came in here and told me that I had to write a letter on behalf of the whole company—to oppose the idea that corporations can have moral or political values. That one was a challenge. “Only individuals can have consciences,” I wrote, “The Acme Corporation condemns any claim to the contrary.” Over the past few years, I’ve written big checks to help get money out of politics; condemned the role that white guys such as myself play in the system; and, at the request of an intern I only hired because I go fishing with his Dad, lamented “the colonization of the BIPOC arts by the architects of misogynoir.” It’s all very odd. We make small-gauge industrial piping, for goodness sake.
Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes. We stand in favor of the political views of some of our employees, and against the political views of the rest. How do we decide? We side with the loudest. Diversity is important, as I like to say, but it’s important that we pick sides in major arguments, too. There is no room in America for bad bills that some of our employees dislike. And remember, we are all in this together: There is no me in Acme.