Borowitz’s first volley has arrived, and it is exactly the sort of dud sickos like me were hoping for.
One of my favorite catty apocryphal media rumors from the recent internet era is that “humorist” (scare-quotes intended) Andy Borowitz was let go by his longtime employer the New Yorker — that high-minded magazine of culture and political commentary — because its editors were secretly mortified that his sub-mediocre assembly-line dad jokes were always the most popular and high-traffic content on their website.
One of my other favorite catty apocryphal media rumors from the recent internet era is that “columnist” (scare-quotes intended) Jennifer Rubin was unsubtly dared to “quit” a while ago by her longtime employer the Washington Post — that high-minded newspaper of the federal clerisy — because its editors were secretly mortified that her sub-mediocre assembly-line Resistance squawks were always the most popular and high-traffic content on their website.
Who can know what to believe? All I know is that I myself couldn’t believe my excitement when Rubin announced earlier this week that both she and Borowitz — Batman and Superman — would be teaming up and bringing their Super Friends like Laurence Tribe and Sherrilyn Ifill along to the fortress of solitude known as The Contrarian to band together and resist tyranny. “Laughter is one of the most powerful weapons against autocracy,” wrote team waterboy Norm Eisen as he announced the new arsenal of democracy would be stocked by an unarmed man.
Borowitz’s first volley has arrived, and it is exactly the sort of dud sickos like me were hoping for, an almost emblematic Maiden Voyage for The Contrarian, the place where hack humor becomes so hack that it almost begins to take on an ironic, self-parodic valence. The topic? You guessed it, new slogans for the Washington Post, which just got rid of “Democracy Dies in Darkness” and also just so happens to be Jennifer Rubin’s former workplace!
I was tempted not to quote these, because my readers generally do not have an appetite for cruelty. Alas, it turns out I’m into all that weird stuff:
The Kid Rock of Newspapers
Every Subscription Comes With Free Trump Bible
All the News by Writers Who Haven’t Quit
News? F**k Yeah!
Ten Millionth Subscriber Gets to Ride in Bezos’s Rocket
Release the Kraken
That’s it. That’s all. That’s the column. Yes, this is the Resistance content I crave: so demoralizing in its lack of effort that it doesn’t even bother to make excuses for how half-assed it is. (“Editor’s note: We want your slogans, too! Please share at . . . ”) Now, I’m nobody’s idea of a professional humorist — I’m not the sort of quirky Larry David-like wit who could dream up a race-swapped take on The Beverly Hillbillies, after all — but I could come up with an infinitely more brutal new slogan to describe the Washington Post’s current relevance and market appeal right here on the spot, off the top of my head: The Washington Post — “Free Subscription with Amazon Prime!” (The Post should drop the idea of moronic “market signaling” slogans altogether and just soberly report interesting local and national news, for what it’s worth.)
Don’t misunderstand me: I’m not upset about any of this in the slightest. It’s Friday, people — I am relaxed. I am, instead, and as always, overjoyed to stumble across an instantaneous vindication of all my most arrogant prejudices about hack comedy and mindless politics. Folks, when you do this for a living and you’re a conservative, you are granted few true victories in the arena. You take what you can get. And my consolation will always be the reality of the Rubins and Borowitzes of the world, who remind me that so long as talent in my chosen fields remains unnecessary for success, I still have a chance to make it as well. We all do!