Batter Up!

My column today touches on myriad issues, starting with attempts to be cool: ill-advised ones. For that column, go here. I think of a song, popularized by Barbara Mandrell: “I Was Country When Country Wasn’t Cool.” I further think of Huey Lewis and the News: “Hip to Be Square.” (If that is true, I’ve been “hip” from Day One.)

Let’s dip into the mailbag. Recently, I’ve been writing about “guardrails” (in this column, for example) — I mean, the constitutional guardrails that are supposed to keep our democracy from going over the cliff. I have come to think that those guardrails are largely human beings who are willing to do the right thing, democratically. (Mike Pence on January 6 would be a striking example.)

A lawyer from Pittsburgh writes,

Jay,

In the interest bringing you up to date, you should know that Pennsylvania highways (and perhaps those of other states?) no longer have guardrails. We have “guide rails” instead. Apparently, an enterprising lawyer managed to convince a jury that it was reasonable of his client to conclude that calling those heavy steel things along the side of the road “guardrails” carries an implicit guarantee that no matter how fast and foolishly you drive your car into one, they will guard you against dire consequences.

Sometimes I weep for my profession.

I’ll be danged. I have since read articles on the matter. The litigious nature of our society leads to some strange things, including linguistically.

In a different column, I mentioned aptronyms — names that really and truly go with the people who bear them. For instance, a lumberjack named “Ben Timber.”

A reader writes,

Jay,

. . . On your aptronyms, thought I’d share two. My mother, who grew up in Iowa, has told me for many years about her school dentist — Dr. Toothacher. . . . The second aptronym is from my days at West Point. One of the active-duty Army PE instructors was Major Payne — and he was.

Some readers and I have been counting up John Williamses — this all started with the movie composer. A reader now says,

Hey, Jay,

You left out one other, very important, John Williams: the British character actor probably most famous for playing Inspector Hubbard in Hitchcock’s Dial M for Murder, a part he originated on Broadway. He made many other memorable films, including To Catch a Thief (another Hitchcock), Sabrina, Witness for the Prosecution, and Midnight Lace. He was also a mainstay of Hitchcock’s TV show, Alfred Hitchcock Presents.

I remember him for a commercial, frankly. Let me quote his Wikipedia entry:

Williams gained notice too as the star of a frequently telecast commercial for 120 Music Masterpieces, a four-LP set of classical music excerpts from Columbia House. This became the longest-running nationally seen commercial in U.S. television history, for 13 years from 1971 to 1984.

I can hear it, see it, now.

In one of my columns, I shared a photo, saying it was just about the most American photo you’d ever see. Here:

I’ve heard from a reader who played big-time college baseball — who says, “I’m no Charlie Lau — but from the photo, the good senator hasn’t swung the bat much.”

(Charlie Lau, who lived from 1933 to 1984, was one of the most esteemed hitting coaches in history.)

Thank you, one and all.