The Corner

Bear v. Militants

Bears join the war on terror!

A bear killed two militants after discovering them in its den in Indian-administered Kashmir, police say.

Two other militants escaped, one of them badly wounded, after the attack in Kulgam district, south of Srinagar.

The militants had assault rifles but were taken by surprise – police found the remains of pudding they had made to eat when the bear attacked.

It is thought to be the first such incident since Muslim separatists took up arms against Indian rule in 1989.

The militants had made their hideout in a cave which was actually the bear’s den, said police officer Farooq Ahmed.

The dead have been identified as Mohammad Amin alias Qaiser, and Bashir Ahmed alias Saifullah.

News of the attack emerged when their injured comrade went to a nearby village for treatment.

“Word spread in the village that Qaiser had been killed by the bear,” another police officer said.

A joint party of the police and army personnel went into the forest and collected the bodies of the two militants.

Police say they also recovered two Kalashnikov assault rifles and some ammunition from the hideout.

In related news, Barack Obama has announced that he is withdrawing from all existing treaties and security arrangements with the ursine community. Explaining his sharp break with the Bush administration’s policy of  supporting overseas bear operations, President Obama said, “Bears are still our valued allies, but we can no longer pursue the arrogant policy of unilaterally supporting one member of the animal kingdom over another.”

He added, “Of course I believe in bear-exceptionalism, just as I believe in badger exceptionalism and tree-sloth exceptionalism. But the days of a pecking order in the animal kingdom, with top-of-the-food-chain predators and disrespected bottom-of-the-food-chan prey, are over.”

At the White House daily briefing, press secretary Robert Gibbs scoffed at the criticism from former vice president Dick Cheney that the move made America less safe. “Squirrels and owls can provide vital reconnaissance and intelligence gathering. The notion that only big ferocious animals can help us defeat our enemies is one that was fully rejected by the American people in last year’s election.”