Tehran — Iran has agreed to abandon its nuclear-weapons program in a historic diplomatic achievement certain to dominate tonight’s foreign-policy presidential debate, and dramatically reshape the electoral landscape.
“This is an extraordinary breakthrough,” said Deputy Undersecretary of State Jonathan Ebert Jr., lead negotiator for the U.S. “It’s a tribute to the hard work of our diplomatic team and President Obama’s visionary leadership.”
According to Ebert, the momentous deal was struck late Sunday night after President Obama called Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and personally apologized for a Madonna video the Iranian leader found offensive. “Ahmadinejad had originally insisted we apologize for Beyonce’s ‘Single Ladies’ video, but President Obama held firm, eventually offering to apologize for ‘Justify My Love’ instead. The production values in that video — lighting, set design — were simply appalling,” Ebert said. “Not only was it the right call by the president, it was a courageous one.”
Washington was abuzz this morning with rumors of other arms deals, including the possibility that North Korea would dismantle its nuclear program in return for an apology for Michael Jackson’s “Thriller,” a video that has long irritated Kim Jong Eun. However, reports that Russia would reduce its stockpile of tactical nukes in return for an apology for Red Dawn were denied by Ebert. “Putin’s still holding out for a curtsy from President Obama. We’re only offering a bow, max. Besides, the president’s campaign schedule won’t permit it.”
A Romney aide, whose responsibilities include managing the Republican challenger’s offshore investments — conservatively estimated to value $1.1 trillion — expressed disbelief. “It’s utterly absurd to think mere bows and apologies would cause these regimes to give up their nukes. This is dangerously naïve.”
Reginald Smythe, chairman of the Progressive Historians Association,, disagreed. “The genius of Obama diplomacy is that it allows us to drastically reduce our military spending. Apologies are a lot cheaper than aircraft carriers. The hundreds of billions saved can now be directed to more pressing governmental responsibilities like contraceptives and large puppets,” he observed. ”The president has truly achieved peace in our time. It’s a wonder no one ever thought of this before.”