Allow me to open this brief Corner note by quoting myself from all the way back in September of 2023:
I’ve never had anyone satisfactorily explain to me how or why New Jersey still manages to beat us in a head-to-head competition of political degeneracy. The Garden State is a concentrated locus of enduring American shame, a place where political scandal just seems to pool like runoff sewage from the Hudson and seep into every aspect of public life with the groundwater. It’s like God himself hexed the acreage between Philadelphia and New York City and designated it an informal tenth circle of hell, reserved primarily for crooked politicians and also (tellingly) Bon Jovi.
Yes, folks, we’re talking about New Jersey again because we are gathered here today to pour one out for my man Bob Menendez, the rodent-like former Democratic senator who two years ago was caught in a corruption scandal noteworthy even in the annals of the Clam State. He was on the take from Egyptians who, among other things, were seeking to corner the American market in halal beef, men who had been introduced to him by his (suspiciously) new wife. He would take payment in the form of bars of solid gold bullion — you know, like a pirate — and after converting the gold into cash simply leave it sitting around the house, stashed inside various business suits with his name helpfully sewn on the label to clarify who exactly it was who was trying to hide money from the IRS.
He was convicted by a jury a few months ago — notice I did not say a “jury of his peers,” for Menendez has few actual peers in terms of his ethics — and was this afternoon sentenced to eleven years in prison for his crimes. May he serve them all, and I’m not particularly joking about that. Because the man can’t seem to help himself and needs to be put under control.
What makes Bob Menendez a true legend of New Jersey politics, you see, is how this was actually the second time he has been prosecuted by the federal government: He scored a mistrial in his 2015 corruption case (the “Salomon Melgen affair”) and the feds dropped it in 2018 just in time for his reelection race. This all happened already to him! He spent years fighting federal criminal charges, beat them, and then turned around and got right back to crimin’ again the instant he did. The only conclusion I can draw is that Bob Menendez is a man committed to his grift. It was in his heart all along. It’s his inspiration, the fuel in his engine: Menendez just can’t seem to give up corruption, any more than Charlie Parker could give up heroin. It was just part of who he was.
Given that he’s only 71 years old, it would be frankly dangerous to let him out before he’s served his full sentence, because Lord knows he’d just get back at it again like the recidivist liar he is. Bob Menendez is a man who lived his entire public life by corruption, and he quite clearly knows no other way. Good riddance.