It seems God has set before me the task of correcting both halves of the Hemingway union in the span of a month. Mollie recently penned Mitch-related muddleheadedness, while Mark has now written New Yorker–grade vehicular twaddle in his article titled “For The Love Of All That Is Holy, Stop Backing Into Parking Spaces.”
Forsooth, Mark’s piece is good-natured hyperbole, but his claim that “after years of close study, I have arrived at the conclusion that people who back into parking spaces are history’s greatest monsters” remains a libelous charge against the hardest-working and most American Americans: the parking-spot backer-uppers. This whole ordeal is especially galling coming from a man whose only stress injuries likely involve carpal tunnel from Apple’s anti-ergonomic membrane keyboards.
Let us engage with each argument Mark offers.
First, he questions the safety and efficiency of backing in versus nosing into a spot (i.e. backing in is slower and more dangerous):
Turning while backing into a space is a perilous process, exacerbated by the relative narrowness of the channels between rows in a given parking lot. That’s because there’s no room for error; one misjudged angle while you’re looking over your shoulder results in a small crunch that could cost you a few thousand dollars, to say nothing of the insurance hassle.
Setting aside the obvious superiority of parking far enough away to pull through a spot to face forward on the opposite adjoining side, Mark’s arguments here don’t erase the reality of having to back up at one time or another. The question is whether it is better to back up immediately upon arrival when one commands the best view and knowledge of surrounding events or persons; or after, when a driver’s mind is on his haul and has just wrestled his children into their safety contraptions. AAA and fleet safety experts suggest backing in immediately to be the superior option, even if a car has backup cameras.
If the above is true of the average vehicle, its veracity compounds for longer wheelbase working trucks and vans that are best operated with delicacy by backing in. with the tires rotating under the driver, he has superior control of his vehicle’s approach vectors and distances through proper mirror use. As an HVAC repairman, my Ford E250 work van was most obedient in reverse, and a cruise ship in forward. Lunch break at the local Kwik Trips (for their rib sandwich special) saw me backing in for the good of all. Furthermore, emergency vehicles like ambulances and police cars are encouraged to back into parking spots because it so benefits their exit times — saving lives. Anti-police and anti-ambulance . . . Mark Hemingway might as well be automotive Antifa.
Mark’s second point is that people suck at backing up, writing:
I’d be willing to bet virtually everyone reading this has at some point in recent years complained about being held up in a parking lot by someone backing into a space with all the speed and agility reserved for docking the U.S.S. Nimitz.
If the Nimitz is anything like the U.S.S. Carl Vinson, tug boats do all the docking while a harbor master controls the event from the carrier’s bridge. I, for one, disdain the notion of paternalistic government parking my vehicle for me similarly. But that’s not his point. Is backing in slower? Sure. But is backing out, when the driver’s view is circumscribed by the Lincoln Navigators to his port and starboard, not equally a herky-jerky game of chicken where his Prius’s entire stern is blocking traffic before the driver can verify the level of perpendicular traffic.
Mark’s third point is well taken but erroneous, that “When people back into spaces, they’re also cutting off access to their trunk or back hatch.” It’s true. Loading a full sheet of plywood between one’s back bumper and the snout of a Kia Soul is a tricky maneuver. However, most of the time, all one is loading are some grocery bags and a king’s ransom in diapers (two cubes). Is it safer to do this in the middle of a Dakar rally event i.e. the parking lot lanes, or ensconced between steel bollards protecting you from the Honda Odyssey bearing down on your position as its driver is fully turned around screaming at her rioting brood in the backseat? I choose the Buick bollards.
Hemingway’s last point is his best one, that “I hope we can all agree that backing into angled parking spaces should be a felony.” But this is obvious, rules are rules and the observation hardly undoes the woeful arguments he made before.
To conclude, coastal elite political commentators should keep their opinions alongside the cocktail ingredients and golf clubs in the trunks of their compact cars where they belong.