Charlie and Kevin’s Subsidized Dining Establishment

As some of you may already know, at the end of this past week, Charlie’s and Kevin’s integrity was disparaged by Will Menaker of the podcast Chapo Trap House — a charmless dorm-room style podcast for noxious left-wing guys. 

Will claimed that Charlie and Kevin, hosts of the Mad Dogs & Englishmen podcast, had a $160,000 PPP loan forgiven; a “gotcha” to counter Charlie’s, and the Right’s, indignation toward the Biden administration’s loan cancellation scheme. Unfortunately for Will, a restaurant with the same name in Tampa was the recipient of the government’s largesse, not Charlie and Kevin. 

But we can forgive Will for his stupidity because I think we all want to see Charlie and Kevin open up a restaurant and theme park. 

Imagine it:

Governor DeSantis grants the two of them 100 acres of Floridian coastline and the autonomy that Disney so long enjoyed. The roads are private; parking for motorcycles and cool cars is prioritized so that every day there’s an impromptu car meet directly outside the gates. 

A gargantuan sign depicting Charlie and Kevin in the front car of the world’s largest, longest, most complex rollercoaster greets visitors — Charlie smiling widely with his hands in the air and Kevin good-naturedly glowering beside him with a scotch in hand (drinking would be allowed on rides and encouraged on the bumper cars). 

Naturally, there’d be a Beatles museum, an audiophile and instrument store, and a large concert venue. Apple would have an outlet there (tax-free, of course). 

A large draw would be the “Competent Government simulator,” which would simply be Kevin’s vacation footage of Switzerland. American visitors would swoon at the Swiss cantons and their direct democracy model, with chocolate available for purchase at the exit.

The restaurants would be fusionist venues (pun intended), and the barbeque pits would never close. 

Gun safety courses would be included with the entrance price, and successful passage through the demanding schooling would open up opportunities to use the Build-an-AR shop. Attachments, assembly assistance, and advice would be available as families construct together. 

Any line would have refreshment service available via app, with miniature railways (privatized and right-to-work) paralleling the queues for automated trains to deliver your drink or snack of choice. Carrier brand robotic A/C assistants would hover beside customers throughout the park, ensuring that guests would feel refreshed even on the hottest Florida days. 

Charlie’s posh English accent would welcome patrons, “We’re ever so glad you’re here” to begin the day, and Kevin’s gruffest “Now get on outta here” would chase the crowds out at closing.

Best yet, a similar place already exists, proving the viability of such attraction. Doc’s Harley-Davidson in Wisconsin combines a gator zoo, a Harley dealership, a BBQ restaurant, a classic vehicle museum, and a pirate ship, all into one mall of oddity and fascination.

So while Will Menaker may be misinformed and an unapologetic jerk, I can only applaud his support for Charlie and Kevin’s future commercial success as proprietors of Mad Dogs & Englishmen Park, “Where Levity Meets Liberty.”