Hot off the AP wire (via a reader, though I have edited considerably):

HEADLINE:

Derbyshire Says: ChiComs have good eating and they are not as wacky as they

used to be.

In an unusual turn of events, John Derbyshire a.k.a. ‘the Derb’, a writer

for the extreme right-wing National Review, announced his defection today to

Communist China. ‘The Derb’ gave his reasoning thus: “America has become too

totalitarian, I’ve been harassed lately by Socialist Lesbians United

Together (S.L.U.T). These whackos are taking over. Also the Chinese have

good eating, that dim sum is yummy.”

Asked to comment on the defection, the Red Chinese consular official in New

York, Mr. Wai No Dong, said, “We welcome all running dog capitalists as long

as they have only one child. If he has more than one kid, we’ll have to

abort her, even if she is already born. Sorry, thems the rules.”

The Democratic candidates for president pitched in, hoping to exploit the

growing ‘Derb Gap’ since this announcement came to light.

Wesley Clark: “Well, It’ll take me awhile to formulate where I stand on the

impending ‘Derb Crisis’. I’m not too sure how this defection fits in with my

message. Bill, Hillary and I will talk it over and see if they can tell me

where I should stand on this point.”

John Kerry: “Well, I’ve exhibited leadership on all issues concerning

immigration, so why not emigration too since I’ve learned everything I know

about immigration from the senior boozer, er, the senior senator from

Massachusetts. Did you know I served in Vietnam?”

Dick Gephardt: “Well at least we are exporting something to China… but is

’the Derb’ a paid-up member of the International Brotherhood of Bloviators?”

Joe Lieberman: “Well, let’s see…” The candidate fell asleep as he was

giving a statement. Apparently he’s as boring to himself as he is to others.

Dennis Kucinich: “He should just stay here in the Union of Soviet American

Republics, a Kucinich presidency will bring all the benefits of Communist

China to the USAR. Free heath care, 100% literacy and massive, state

organized compulsion, we’ll be shoveling the American people around like

cement in no time.”

Al Sharpton: “One less racist homophobe, far as I’s concerned.”

Dr. Howard Dean: “I want to be the candidate for the ‘the Derbs’ out there

who have Red Commie Chinese flags on the back of their mopeds, rickshaws,

bicycles and other non-polluting, progressive transportation devices.”

Carol Mosely-Braun: “The ‘Derb’ crisis is not one that I am familiar with.

Who is the ‘Derb’ and why should I, as a faux-candidate, comment?”

John Edwards: “My candidacy is going nowhere. I’ve tacked to the Left,

tacked to the Right, tacked to the Center. Nothing seems to work. Again,

I’ll go out of my way and say, ‘Derb don’t go’, tomorrow I’ll rework that

message, and so on, until I can get some traction with the ‘Derb’ issue. Or

maybe I’ll just defect, too. Do they have grits in China?”