Hot off the AP wire (via a reader, though I have edited considerably):
HEADLINE:
Derbyshire Says: ChiComs have good eating and they are not as wacky as they
used to be.
In an unusual turn of events, John Derbyshire a.k.a. ‘the Derb’, a writer
for the extreme right-wing National Review, announced his defection today to
Communist China. ‘The Derb’ gave his reasoning thus: “America has become too
totalitarian, I’ve been harassed lately by Socialist Lesbians United
Together (S.L.U.T). These whackos are taking over. Also the Chinese have
good eating, that dim sum is yummy.”
Asked to comment on the defection, the Red Chinese consular official in New
York, Mr. Wai No Dong, said, “We welcome all running dog capitalists as long
as they have only one child. If he has more than one kid, we’ll have to
abort her, even if she is already born. Sorry, thems the rules.”
The Democratic candidates for president pitched in, hoping to exploit the
growing ‘Derb Gap’ since this announcement came to light.
Wesley Clark: “Well, It’ll take me awhile to formulate where I stand on the
impending ‘Derb Crisis’. I’m not too sure how this defection fits in with my
message. Bill, Hillary and I will talk it over and see if they can tell me
where I should stand on this point.”
John Kerry: “Well, I’ve exhibited leadership on all issues concerning
immigration, so why not emigration too since I’ve learned everything I know
about immigration from the senior boozer, er, the senior senator from
Massachusetts. Did you know I served in Vietnam?”
Dick Gephardt: “Well at least we are exporting something to China… but is
’the Derb’ a paid-up member of the International Brotherhood of Bloviators?”
Joe Lieberman: “Well, let’s see…” The candidate fell asleep as he was
giving a statement. Apparently he’s as boring to himself as he is to others.
Dennis Kucinich: “He should just stay here in the Union of Soviet American
Republics, a Kucinich presidency will bring all the benefits of Communist
China to the USAR. Free heath care, 100% literacy and massive, state
organized compulsion, we’ll be shoveling the American people around like
cement in no time.”
Al Sharpton: “One less racist homophobe, far as I’s concerned.”
Dr. Howard Dean: “I want to be the candidate for the ‘the Derbs’ out there
who have Red Commie Chinese flags on the back of their mopeds, rickshaws,
bicycles and other non-polluting, progressive transportation devices.”
Carol Mosely-Braun: “The ‘Derb’ crisis is not one that I am familiar with.
Who is the ‘Derb’ and why should I, as a faux-candidate, comment?”
John Edwards: “My candidacy is going nowhere. I’ve tacked to the Left,
tacked to the Right, tacked to the Center. Nothing seems to work. Again,
I’ll go out of my way and say, ‘Derb don’t go’, tomorrow I’ll rework that
message, and so on, until I can get some traction with the ‘Derb’ issue. Or
maybe I’ll just defect, too. Do they have grits in China?”