Des Moines, IA – Republican frontrunner Donald Trump joined Second Christian Church for services on Sunday morning, hoping to cinch up Evangelical support in the run-up to the nation’s first electoral contest.
“I didn’t really want to go to Second Christian,” the candidate said afterward. “Second’s for losers.” But First Christian’s parking lot was full, according to Trump, who said that he had contacted the pastor and recommended using eminent domain to acquire the senior center next door.
Trump said he enjoyed the service, especially the day’s reading. “The Book of One Kings is my favorite — much better than Two and Three Kings,” said Trump, adding that King David and his line “made Israel great again.”
“That Solomon!” he continued. “I mean, 1,400 chariots and 12,000 horses? Clearly he knew the art of the deal. ‘Solomon’s Temple’ must’ve been a helluva casino. And in Jerusalem? Great location.”
Asked about the famously beautiful Queen Sheba, he shook his head: “I only regret that I never had the opportunity to court her.”
According to the latest polls, Donald Trump has a narrow lead over Texas senator Ted Cruz and Florida senator Marco Rubio. All three have been competing fiercely for Iowa’s large Evangelical constituency.
A Cruz spokesman, asked to comment about Trump’s visit to Second Christian Church, said that it was no surprise Trump enjoyed the story of Solomon: “It’s pretty rich for Mr. Trump to spend his time praising yet another man who inherited his fortune from his father. Mr. Trump is showing, once again, how out-of-touch he is with the hardworking Iowan. For the record, every chariot Ted Cruz owns was earned with the sweat of his brow.”
The above is, of course, parody. Probably.