If you have not yet heard, forgive me for bearing the bad news: Some of the last giant pandas in the U.S. — three rotund residents of the Smithsonian’s National Zoo in Washington, D.C. — have been recalled by China and are set to depart as soon as next week. This is the latest step in China’s ruthless mission to remove the cuddly creatures from the West.
Let it be known, that here in the annals of National Review, a new hermeneutic for understanding the relations between the United States and China has been established: the Panda Years (PaY) and the Post-Panda Period (PoPP).
During the height of the Panda Years, millions of American children were funneled through the gates of the National Zoo to witness those noble animals scale grand heights, roll about in accordance with their great girth, and chow down on a magnanimous amount of bamboo.
Certainly, within the hearts of these little visitors, fuzzy and warm feelings for China were cultivated by such fuzzy and warm creatures. I mean, talk about soft diplomacy.
As one of those gleeful young visitors from former years, I can still recall the immense trepidation I felt while watching a baby panda climb up the tallest tree in its enclosure — the little guy got stuck at the top, too scared to climb down. As a small child who was deathly afraid of heights, I instantly felt I had found a second self in the scared, black-and-white bundle, trembling atop the leafless branches. (Ultimately, a zoo worker had to scramble up there and rescue the poor thing.) This encounter initiated a lifelong love of giant pandas — especially the babies — that has continued to this day. (If you don’t believe me, you can check my YouTube algorithms.)
So, why would China recall these precious, roly-poly furballs from our capital zoo? The move can only be self-destructive. Those fluffy chonkers are the best diplomats the People’s Republic of China has ever had. The removal of the pandas falls a bamboo stick short of a declaration of war — it can only churn up further antagonism between two already-icy powers.
I predict that the Post-Panda Period will be marked by deepened mistrust, steely conflict, and, most importantly, hordes of crying American children who had the experience of cuteness itself ripped out of their little hands.
Requiescat in Pace.