The Corner

‘Foolish Experiments’

Excerpts from a future presidential campaign: 

“When I was a teenager, I foolishly experimented with marijuana. It was a mistake, and I’ve never tried it since.”

“When I was in my early 20s, I foolishly experimented with margaritas. Lots of margaritas. I’d just turned 21, I was finally legal, and I was like, ‘Whoa, these are tasty!’ But then I grew up a little and realized: The margarita is the cocktail equivalent of driving a minivan. I mean, in the moment, you can see the merits . . . but who am I, a soccer mom? It was a mistake, and I’ve never had one since that really ill-considered night at Chuy’s back in 1992.”

“When I was in my 30s, I foolishly experimented with martinis. Hell of a lot more suave than throwing down raspberry margaritas, and gin’s a little kinder than tequila. But at a certain point in life, a man has to admit to himself: I’m not James Bond. I don’t even own a tuxedo—the last one I wore was rented, for pete’s sake—and the only Aston Martin I ever drove was in ‘Grand Theft Auto,’ and, if you’re still playing that in your 30s, with a mortgage and all, you’re probably not really the sort of guy who drinks martinis while chatting up exotic beauties at the Jimmy’z in Monte Carlo. I was wearing a lot of French cuffs around that time, too. It was a mistake, and I’ve never tried it since, except on vacations and the occasional business trip.”

“When I was in my 40s, I foolishly experimented with single-malt scotch, which in terms of pretentiousness is the middle-aged Republican’s answer to craft beer or wines that people describe as having ‘notes of freshly mown grass and burnt peat.’ But I eventually had to come clean with myself: If you put a gun to my head, I couldn’t really tell a 40-year-old Laphroaig from Cutty Sark. I suppose I don’t really even have to go into the contemporaneous cigar enthusiasm. That $600 humidor was a mistake, and I’ve never used it since.”

“In my 50s, as the existential despair of that decade really settled in, I was giving serious thought to going back to marijuana . . .” 

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