From Kevin’s corner post “Against Straws,” we can conclude two things.
First, Kevin does not wear lipstick. For if he did, he would know that straws play an essential role in preventing the smudging and smearing, not of one’s character (since, in fairness, he does know about that), but of one’s facial polish.
Second, Kevin does not drink smoothies. For again, if he did, he would know that an unwanted purple mustache would probably accompany his — what was it? — pledge to “drink like a functional adult who can lift a glass to his face.”
We can also speculate from his advice — “don’t be that guy” — that Kevin thinks straws are irredeemably unmanly. Further proof, perhaps, that he is not fit to work at The Atlantic.