When the alternative is a Saturday night out in an English nightclub (see below), many of us are tempted by the idea of strapping on the old plastics explosives and self-detonating our way to the virgin jackpot. But how hot are our 72 cuties likely to be? Leading Saudi cleric Omar al-Sweilem, while stopping short of offering a “Your body parts back if not fully satisfied” guarantee, is nevertheless very reassuring on the general quality control:
Harith Ibn Al-Muhasibi told us what would happen when we meet the black-eyed virgin with her black hair and white face – praised be He who created night and day.
What hair! What a chest! What a mouth! What cheeks! What a figure! What breasts! What thighs! What legs! What whiteness! What softness! Without any creams – no Nivea, no Vaseline. No nothing..!
When they get hold of you, they will push you onto your back, on the musk cushions. They will push you onto your back, Jamal! Allah Akbar! I wish this on all people present here… Another one would press her cheek against yours, yet another would press her chest against yours, and the others would await their turn. There is no god but Allah.
Hoo-boy, it’s like an eternal reservation in Room 817 at the Mayflower – but with a complimentary mini-bar:
He told us that one black-eyed virgin would give you a glass of wine. Wine in Paradise is a reward for your good deeds. The wine of this world is destructive, but not the wine of the world to come.