Six years ago, I wrote a column about how stupid some studies were. Here’s the opener:
On the Tuesday of last week the Associated Press broke a major story: “Scientists Say Men, Women Not Alike.” On Wednesday, AP topped its own scoop by blaring the news, “Study: Parents Can Affect Teen Sex.” Then on Thursday, Reuters blew both stories out of the water with this blockbuster: “Women Want Security, Men Want Sex.” But wouldn’t you know it? Before the Pulitzer committee could file the pro forma paper work, Reuters stepped on its own story by releasing the ground-pounding news: “Parents’ Sexual Orientation Matters, Study Finds.”
The reason you didn’t read much about any of this in the New York Times last week was that they were too busy managing the firestorm over their major exposé: “School Bullying Is Common, Mostly by Boys, Study Finds.”
Because I have an indomitable faith in the power of science to unravel the mysteries of the universe and an even greater faith in the press to stay on top of the situation, here are the top ten headlines I am looking forward to in the not-too-distant future:
10. “Dumb People, Children, More Likely To Eat Poison By Mistake”
9. “Study’s Disturbing Discrepancy; Africans Less Likely to Get Sunburn than Scandinavians”
8. “Dogs Continue to Smell Butts at Alarming Rate: Solutions Remain Elusive”
7. “Men Think Fart Jokes Funny; Women Less Likely, Survey Reveals”
6. “Gamblers, Pimps, Whores Lack Health Insurance, Pension Plans”
5. “Religious Conservatives Refuse to Ride Rent-a-boy Float at Gay Pride Parade”
4. “Movie Stars Likely to Be Dumb But Attractive, Extensive Testing Shows” (Sidebar: “Alec Baldwin Dies, Thought Electrodes Would ‘Taste Good’)”
3. “Wolverines Don’t Like To be Teased, Researcher Learns at Great Cost”
2. “Drunk Women with Low Self-Esteem Choose Sexual Partners Poorly”
1. “Children From Stable, Two-Parent Homes More Successful Than Children Raised By Wolves”
Well, we can add another one to the list:
Study: Men Go for Good Looks