LEAKED: U.S. Navy Pronoun Directive

Editor’s Note: The following U.S. Navy pronoun directive was leaked to National Review at great personal risk. It would seem that the Navy’s recent pronoun training video has left many sailors confused about what pronouns are, how to use them, and why they should care. This document is super legitimate and comes from an anonymous leaker in the Navy and not from the desk of Luther Abel.

01 Jul 22

From:  ADM. PREAUX NOWNE, USN, 1110
To:    Director, Surface Officer Distribution Division (PURS-41)
Via:   Commanding Officer, U.S.S. STACEY ABRAMS (KG 300)

SUBJ:  US NAVY PRONOUN TRAINING GUIDANCE

Ref:   (a) MILPERSMAN M4N-B0D

1. IT HAS COME TO THE ATTENTION OF THE CHIEF OF NAVAL OPERATIONS THAT SAILORS ARE MISGENDERING THEIR SHIPMATES. DUE TO THE NATIONAL DEFENSE VALUE OF ACCURATE SAILOR GENDERING, THE CNO HAS PROVIDED THE FOLLOWING GUIDE FOR ALL SAILORS’ BENEFITS. AS WORDS ARE VIOLENCE, SAILORS HENCEFORTH FOUND GUILTY OF MISGENDERING WILL BE PROSECUTED FOR “ASSAULT” UNDER ARTICLE 128 OF THE UCMJ.
2. Subjective Personal Pronouns — he/she/they
   1. He — HE went to captain’s mast for mansplaining the CIWS system to the junior sailors.
   2. She — SHE avoided FOD walkdown by claiming that skating was mindfulness training.
   3. They — THEY identify as an attack helicopter and so will be provided a hangar bay berth and a ration of JP-5.
3. Objective Personal Pronouns — him/her/them
   1. Him — “G**d*** these m*****f******. F*** HIM, and F*** you,” said MM2 Hernandez inclusively, as MM2 Abel and GSM2 Guerrero tardily stumbled into Central to assume the 0200 Sounding and Security watches.
   2. Her — “I’m giving HER all she’s got,” said the red-shirted engineer destined to receive 100 percent disability from the VA post-service.
   3. Them — “I would never gundeck like THEM,” said Seaman Timmy observing his nonbinary first class petty officer’s dirtbag demeanor. Seaman Timmy would days later would begin a long and storied career of gundecking maintenance, logs, and personal qualifications. He would retire a senior chief.
4. Possessive Personal Pronouns — his/her/their
   1. His — HIS qualifications were signed off upon the training petty officer’s receipt of a Monster and a pack of Marlboro Reds.
   2. Her(s) — HER chain of command prolonged morning quarters by tactically piggybacking off of one another for a record thirty-eight hours straight.
   3. Their — THEIR coffee cup was host to new life forms, having been unwashed for seven deployments and three INSURV periods.

Adm. P. Nowne