The Corner

Life Imitates Idiocracy

In the comedy Idiocracy, Mike Judge’s underrated Office Space follow-up, humanity in the future has become so dumbed down corporate sponsorship has run rampant and people refuse to drink water in favor of an obnoxiously advertised sports drink called Brawndo (slogan: “The Thirst Mutilator”). They even water the crops with it, until the build up of electrolytes in the soil kills the crops, resulting in a food shortage.

Then today I read this:

Two signs on the doors leading from the visitors’ clubhouse at U.S. Cellular Field to the first-base dugout read, “NO BOTTLED WATER ON THE BENCH.”

What’s this? Athletes can’t drink water? Even in the humid Chicago summers?

Here’s the explanation I got:

Gatorade is Major League Baseball’s “official sports drink.” So instructions were sent that no player could be seen drinking anything but Gatorade in the dugout. Not even Aquafina, which is the “official water” of MLB. Not even bottles of water with the labels removed.

White Sox clubhouse personnel said if players take bottled water onto the bench, all the bottled water will be removed from the clubhouse as punishment.

So remember, the biggest threat to baseball isn’t steroids or HGH or amphetamines or runaway ticket prices or four-hour games.

It’s water.

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