In what amounts to further abuse of the executive branch and its privileges, President Biden has pardoned not one but two turkeys, National Review reports. These fowl, using pseudonyms “Chocolate” and “Chip” to elicit sympathy from the Commander-in-Dotage, will be transferred to the North Carolina State pen to serve out the rest of their life sentences as turkeys. Guilty of crimes ranging from inciting riots to grand larceny and tom-foolery, not to mention the assault of the Whidbey Island weapons station and predation upon Seattle’s homeless, Messrs. Chocolate and Chip are the worst of their gaggle. Biden’s scheme will prevent the gobblers from paying for their crimes trussed up and golden brown on an autumnal runner as established in the Supreme Court’s 1797 Turcia v. Stuffing decision.
Writing for the majority, Chief Justice Ellsworth penned two centuries ago:
In matters of avian tyranny, homicide, and anarchy, we, the court, cannot find the same Eighth Amendment protections applicable, as turkeys refused representation under our government and constitution — young as it may be. It is then the regrettable duty of this court to view the genus Meleagris as foreign agents upon American soil and afford them only so much leniency as they show this fledgling nation.
The Court finds in favor of Stuffing.
One can only hope that a Tarheel fraternity might see justice done, busting those bum turkeys out of their unearned life of leisure and popping them in a frier for the needy and hungry of greater North Carolina — though such extralegal activity may ruffle the feathers of the turkeys’ gamecock brethren to the south should they catch wind.
PHOTOS: White House Turkeys