The Corner

For The Record

I am inclined to believe that some fake boobs do go to heaven, in a sense. After literally minutes of intermittently intensive thought and consideration my reasoning is as follows: To the extent people keep something approaching their corporeal form when they go to heaven it is surely their idealized form. If heaven is the place of maximum happiness and — again, if we go there as ourselves — then it only makes sense that all sorts of imperfections would fall by the wayside. A man with terrible back pain will surely no longer feel that pain in heaven. A veteran with an uncomfortable steel plate in his head will no longer carry that burden. A woman without legs, would surely have them in heaven. And, surely, a woman who believed that her fake boobs were a necessary medical improvement in order for her “to be who she really is” would bring something like her fake boobs with her just as much as she would bring any other part of her body. Not to gloom up a truly absurd post, but a woman who has a fake boob from a mastectomy surely would go to heaven ready to wear a bikini. We all know what Pamela Anderson will look like in heaven and, oddly, it will be a lot like how she’d look in Hell.

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