The Corner

Squirrel Attacks Mailman

Many, many readers have sent me this story and wondered why Cosmo remains silent about it. The simple fact is that Cosmo hates mailmen more than he hates squirels. Really the only time Cosmo is even remotely scary is when the mailman — or other private sector package deliverers — come near the house.  Cosmo likes to sit, southern style, on the porch surveying his domain. But we have to pull him inside when it’s close to mail time (and even then he does his best to scratch through our front door). Indeed, none of the regular carriers will leave their trucks when Cosmo is in plain sight. Even when we’re driving far from home, Cosmo will growl at FedEx, UPS, and postal trucks  from inside the car with a rage that makes me think he’s from a universe where dogs and mailmen are like Klingons and Romulans, raised from birth to destroy each other. 

So, when squirrels start attacking mailmen, he takes a Kissingerian approach — it was Kissinger, after all,  who said of the Iran-Iraq war, “it’s a pitty only one of them can lose.” So it is with the Wonder Dog, he prays for a helter skelter of squirrel-carrrier mayhem leaving both sides bloodied and beaten and he will do nothing to distract either beligerant  from this encouraging development of rodent-public service worker tension.

Then, all that will be left is to deal with the cats. 

Jonah Goldberg, a senior editor of National Review and the author of Suicide of the West, holds the Asness Chair in Applied Liberty at the American Enterprise Institute.

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