The Clown Car Gaggles Its Way to Florida’s 19th District

Residents of Florida are doubtless already aware of this, but for the rest you I must be the bearer of bad news: Ron DeSantis will not remain governor of the Sunshine State forever. His term ends in 2026, and Floridians thank him for a job well done. Republican Congressman Byron Donalds, of Florida’s 19th district, has gotten an early start on the race to replace him by announcing his candidacy for the job in Tallahassee.

That is a story for another day. For now, though, Donalds’s announcement makes one thing certain: A safe Republican seat in the Florida delegation is now up for grabs — Donalds is required by law to resign it to run for governor — and everybody wants a piece of the action.

Readers, the resulting spectacle has been glorious: an honest-to-goodness six-car pileup of desperate has-beens, never-weres, and clowns, all lined up in a row in their haste to file for the seat. I’ve seen my share of political opportunism over 45 years — I didn’t even blink when Scott Brown ran for Senate in New Hampshire two years after losing his seat in Massachusetts. (He ran a really good race, too!)

But even I have to notice how many failed Republicans from around the country are currently slouching their way toward Florida to be reborn, like an unfortunate bloom of red algae washing up on the shore of Cape Coral. Public servants or parasites? You make the call. Perhaps these political veterans are desperate to change the world and believe their presence in Washington is required; perhaps they are desperate for one last shot at a cozy political sinecure.

And Florida’s 19th district is quite the cushy prize for whoever wins it. Located in the southwestern gulf coastal region of the state and centered around Naples and Fort Myers, it has been reliably Republican for decades, sending establishment stalwarts like Porter Goss and Connie Mack IV to the House (when it was still numbered as the 13th district) before a series of surprisingly quick retirements in sequence — only one of them scandal-related — left it in the hands of Byron Donalds. Donalds won his 2020 Republican primary for the open seat on the basis of his MAGA rhetoric and Trump endorsement, and Donalds intends to ride those same two advantages to victory in the gubernatorial primary next year. We shall see.

But in the meantime, the field of contenders shaping up for Donalds’ soon-to-be-vacant spot is the biggest swarm of feral, desperately hungry jackals this side of the Serengeti. To list but a few, voters next year can choose from:

• Former New York Representative Chris Collins, who resigned from Congress in 2018 after being arrested for an insider trading scandal. (He was later pardoned by Donald Trump.)
• Former North Carolina Representative Madison Cawthorn, emotionally erratic dreamboat, who lost his 2022 primary after first attempting to carpetbag across the state to a more advantageous district. (Cawthorn is most known for being photographed in women’s lingerie.)
• Former Illinois serial candidate and dairy magnate Jim Oberweis, who has sought elected office in my own state for decades, long after it became clear the cows would never come home. (With six losing campaigns under his belt — for Senate, House, governor, you name it — his local nickname is “Milk Dud.”)
• Former Illinois serial candidate Catalina Lauf, who — get this — is such a loser that she lost to Jim Oberweis of all people, in the 2020 Illinois congressional primary. Oberweis went on to lose the seat in the general election by less than a point — cementing his reputation — but Lauf proved she too was no amateur loser by going on to get pasted by Democrat Bill Foster two years later, in a different district.

Readers, there are at least four more candidates I have not named.

For once, I have nothing more to add. This list of honor speaks for itself. How can the clawing griminess of it all not warm my heart? Everybody knows that Florida is the land of retirees; Lee County is apparently specifically reserved for retired politicians. Why, it’s almost as if the Carnival of Fools has decided to become a road show and up stakes for sunnier climes. Three failed serial candidates, two former congressmen, one pardoned criminal, and a paraplegic in sheer lingerie: Welcome to what promises to be the best race of 2026.