Sometime in early 1978, Ron DeSanctimonious became a “Zygote” that was completely undistinguished and even if it’d been examined by a Microscope would have shown no signs of anything other than run-of-the-mill potential political skills, indeed MIDDLE OF THE PACK, unless someone had known — which they wouldn’t have — that one day 40 years later I’d decide, because what the hell, to give him my Endorsement.
About a decade later, Liddle Ronnie — that’s what they called him, Liddle Ronnie — stuck a piece of Chewed Chewing Gum under a desk of Mrs. Bamburger’s 4th-grade class that could never be removed despite the best efforts of the Highly Professional and Very Respected custodial staff in what is called an act of “Destruction of Government Property.”
When he captained the Yale varsity baseball team, it went a pathetic 12–22 overall, 6–14 in the Ivy League, showing DeSanctimonious’s poor leadership skills, not to mention that he never could catch up to the fastball because of the terrible Hole in His Swing and no one will ever forget his error against Dartmouth when his insanely wild throw to third went into the opposing Dugout allowing an absolutely crucial insurance run to score. NOT GOOD.
After his struggles at Yale, DeSanctimonious lacked direction and focus and attended Harvard Law School, where he hoped to graduate summa cum laude, but everyone knows he didn’t have What It Takes, and despite his countless hours studying and “Hitting the Books,” leading everyone to consider DeSanctimonious a complete and total Bore, he only graduated cum laude in a humiliating FAILURE. We all know why DeSanctimonious decided not to become a practicing lawyer.
DeSanctimonious was struggling in Congress, had no friends, and would vote on the House floor alone and then leave alone, leading everyone to whisper and wonder, “What’s wrong with DeSanctimonious?” when he came to me and begged for my Endorsement for governor and I said, “Why should I give you my Endorsement?” and he said my Endorsement would give his life meaning and purpose and I said OK against my better judgment and based on Melania’s strong advice, provided he never becomes too popular and effective, and now that he is in Breach of Contract, my Endorsement is hereby officially RESCINDED and his office will receive a Cease and Desist letter in the morning. LOCK HIM UP?