Milwaukee stole victory out of the Dodgers’ grasp like a pack of wily jackals poaching a lion’s kill straight from its mouth.
And to think it was looking like such a terrible year for MAGA. Yes, the GOP might still get pasted next month, but voters of all partisan persuasions can head safely to the polls now, secure in the knowledge that last night — with the victory of the valiant, sinless Milwaukee Brewers over the iniquitous, feculent Los Angeles Dodgers in the National League Championship Series — America has already been made great again.
O frabjous day! How shall I explain my happiness? I have always liked the Brewers, even though my teams were different ones. The Brewers haven’t been to a World Series since 1982 — and that was when I was still in diapers, the team was still in the American League, and women across America’s Dairyland were still swooning to the dapper mustache-twirling relief-pitcher antics of Rollie Fingers. Sadly, the Brewcrew was defeated by the obnoxious St. Louis Cardinals, a franchise that has never been of any value to anybody.
After proving they were the strongest team in the National League during the regular season (their 103–59 record was the best in all of baseball), the Brewers took the Los Angeles Dodgers — a team coming off of two consecutive World Series titles, assembled from all the talent money can buy, as lovable as Goliath — and swept them in four straight games. Even better, they were four straight games where the Brewers trailed. Not only did Milwaukee end up spanking the Dodgers like rude children, they stole victory out of the Dodgers’ grasp like a pack of wily jackals poaching a lion’s kill straight from its mouth.
But most important of all, the Dodgers lost. I cannot emphasize enough how critically important it is for the Dodgers to suffer, and not merely because I consider them the source of modern society’s evils. The Dodgers’ wild, free-spending ways exemplify the dynamic within Major League Baseball that already looks extremely likely to lead to a lockout at the end of this year. The issue? The rest of MLB’s owners reacting to the Dodgers’ spendthrift habits by calling for a hard salary cap; baseball is the only major sport without one. Otherwise, the argument goes, the rich will only get richer, while the rest get frozen out. (Needless to say, the player’s union is fiercely opposed to capping team payrolls.)
If nothing else, the outcome of this year’s NLCS is strong evidence that Goliath cannot always buy his way to victory. The Dodgers’ payroll this year was an eye-popping $340 million dollars. The Brewers, meanwhile, spent less than half that at roughly $145 million. (The payrolls of the Rays and the Guardians, in the American League, are even smaller, at a parsimonious $96 million and a comically cheap $74 million, respectively.)
All the money in the world wasn’t enough to save Los Angeles this year. There will be no threepeat. Calloo, callay!