Jonah, even a decade ago, Onion publisher emeritus T. Herman Zweibel worried about the growing menace of the Burger-King’s arbitrary and flame-broiled power. Zweibel wondered, was this man a mere restaurateur — or a threat to the Republic?
“Though no more than a glorified fry-cook, this man immodestly calls himself the Burger-King. Indeed, he has won over many supporters and well-wishers, as he is one of the richest plutocrats in the world. I have it on good authority, however, that he faces stiff rivalry from, of all people, a Scottish clown. Despite his foolish and grotesque appearance, this painted jester also owns several restaurants, and the meat of the clown is exhorted as being finer than that of the Burger-King.
I am requesting an audience with this Burger-King, and perhaps the Scottish clown as well. “Burger-King,” my eye! What right does this man have to call himself a king? This is a land of plenty, not plenipotentiaries! I will meet this Burger-King, and tan his jacket thoroughly.”