Pledging to “restore honor and dignity to the American food-service industry,” the twin Diogeneses of the Senate have gone into business together, reports The Onion in an article entitled “McCain, Feingold Co-Sponsor Chain Of Integrity-Themed Eateries.” Investors can only put in $2,000, and if the nachos are terrible, the waiter will let you know. There will be full disclosure of the chain’s secret pancake recipe, and Russ’s and John’s forbids tips as the “worst kind of bribery.” Heck, even the cartoon mascot is a a straight talker:
A series of TV commercials for the chain focus on the positive aspects of the dining experience and carefully avoid personal attacks on its competitors.
“Russ and John are reaching across party lines to bring both sides to the dinner table,” says R.J. McUpright, the chain’s pin-striped, suspender-wearing spokesmoose, in one ad. “Whether you’re a meat-and-potatoes person or a strict vegetarian, there’s something for everyone—from our sizzling steak fajitas to our tangy apple-walnut salad. So next time you’ve got a hunger for honesty, accountability, and a good meal at a fair price, just take out your moral compass and follow it all the way to the nearest Russ & John’s, where everyone gets a bigger slice of the pie.”
I’m John Podhoretz, and I approve of this satire.