EDITOR’S NOTE: The following is Jonah Goldberg’s weekly “news”letter, the G-File. Subscribe here to get the G-File delivered to your inbox on Fridays.
Dear Reader (including anyone hiding in the bushes),
Good times, huh?
Let’s start . . . here:
Comey firing is a red herring to distract from the fact that Trump hasn't started building the wall.
— Ann Coulter (@AnnCoulter) May 9, 2017
In other words, a certified letter isn’t quite nothing, but it is the wispy vapor of nothing. If Lindsey Graham signs for the letter, that doesn’t oblige him to believe whatever is in the envelope.
I have to wonder if Trump saw Miracle on 34th Street one too many times. In the movie, Kris Kringle’s lawyer uses the fact that the Post Office delivered a bunch of kids’ Santa letters to his client to prove — prove! — that he is the one and only Santa Claus.
The trial court goes along with it because the judge is looking for any excuse to avoid telling a politically suicidal truth (he doesn’t want to have to declare, at Christmastime no less, that there is no Santa Claus).
We’re in a similar situation here. I don’t know if Trump colluded with the Russians, but my hunch is that if there’s any there there, it will end with Manafort, Stone, and Page. Similarly, I suspect Trump’s business ties to Russia are more than he claims, but that they are probably tangential to the campaign. That’s all beside the point, however. Trump is using an old bullsh***er’s technique to make it sound as if his letter is authoritative. And I’m sure some people believe it. “Did you hear that Marge, he’s sending a certified letter to Lindsey Graham. It must be true.”
But in reality, all Trump is doing is using the letter’s Certified® status like a tin can of his bullsh**. And, as we already know, there’s a market for that kind of thing.
Various & Sundry
Canine Update: Some of you may recall that my sister-in-law’s dog, Buckley, passed away recently. He was about as good an example of pure doggy goodness as I have ever known; he was also the late Great Cosmo the Wonderdog’s best friend. He can never be replaced, but he has a promising successor: Sneakers! Much like Buckley and Cosmo, Sneakers is a rich ethnic cocktail of unknown pedigree. He showed up at the rescue in a cardboard box with a bunch of other puppies, many of which look like they may have had a different father (or maybe even a different mother, who knows?). He’s only eight-weeks old now, so he can’t meet other dogs yet. Also, we are thinking through how we introduce Zoë to Sneakers (Pippa gets along with everyone). The introduction of Zoë and Pippa was incredibly stressful for all concerned. It’s vital that they get along, which means we’ll certainly do it on neutral ground and perhaps without the “parents” around at all. Meanwhile, he’s just damn cute.
In other news, the culture clash between Zoë and Pippa has reasserted itself as the bunny population has exploded. As you’ll recall, Zoë is a Carolina swamp dog who takes after Daryl from The Walking Dead. Pippa is a purebred silly-billy of the dippy daughter from Downtown Abbey variety. Zoë thinks her job is to catch and kill All Things Hoppy (not to mention anything else of even vaguely rodent quality, including crows, which she considers to be outrageous affronts to the Laws of Nature). Pippa thinks her job is to flush quarry for me to shoot at. So, whenever the Dingo sees a rabbit, she crouches like a Ranger sneaking up on a German pillbox. Meanwhile, Pippa, in her Odie-like innocence, thinks her job is to get the prey moving into my gun sights. It’s driving Zoë nuts. Every time Zoë starts creeping up on a bunny/squirrel/crow, Pippa drops her tennis ball and races to mess everything up.
ICYMI . . .
The most recent G-File (from two weeks ago).
My response to the New York Times’ love letter to Communism.
My hit on Chicago AM 560 The Answer.
My appearance on Fox News’s Special Report with Bret Baier.
My doff of the cap to Bret Stephens’s trolling the Left on climate change.
My pushback on Jimmy Kimmel’s empathy-based policymaking.
The latest GLoP Culture podcast.
How Trump and his opponents collaborate to violate democratic norms.
Why does Trump claim he coined the phrase “prime the pump”?
Why is the Trump White House so leaky?
And now the weird stuff.
A machine that can create every horror-movie music cue
Virginia catnapper returns cats with shaved bellies
Subject yourself to the pun-ishment of the World Pun Championships
Man forced to surrender Star Trek license plate
How are rocks moving unaided in the desert?
Man’s wallet returned after 13 years
Man flushes his friend’s ashes down ballpark toilets across the land (it’s what he wanted)
Basset hound moos, farts, gets confused
Vet sings to nervous dog before surgery
Crows like to sit atop other birds
Bloodhound puppy sworn in as a police officer
The 17th-century moon mission that never was
What would happen if you drank water from New York’s Gowanus Canal?
100 behind-the-scenes photos from the production of 2001: A Space Odyssey
Japan struggling to meet its ninja quota