Magazine | March 9, 2009, Issue

Excerpts from the Unread Parts of the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act

From page 237:

 . . . for an additional amount for “Watershed and Flood Prevention Operations,” $290,000,000, of which $145,000,000 is for necessary expenses to purchase and restore floodplain easements as authorized by section 403 of the Agricultural Credit Act of 1978 (16 U.S.C. 2203) (except that no more than $30,000,000 of the amount provided for the purchase of floodplain easements may be obligated for projects in any one state) is anybody reading this? Anybody? Hello? I’ve been sitting here with the other interns in Congress and we’re trying to type this as fast as we can, but this is going to be my little test. Anybody who reads this part of the stimulus bill and gets all the way to this part, I’ve taken $1,000 in cash and hidden it behind the loose panel next to the third drinking fountain on the right as you enter the Russell Senate Office Building. It’ll be there. The money cost of direct and guaranteed loans, including the cost of modifying loans, as defined in section 502 of the Congressional Budget Act of 1974, is as follows: $67,000,000 for section 502 direct loans, and $133,000,000 for section 502 unsubsidized guaranteed . . .

From page 455:

. . . tax-payer refunds and/or easements of preexisting taxation standards for capital expenses specifically aimed at the reduction of current energy usage for office or light-industrial construction hi Deborah Stangle! This is a special part of the stimulus bill that I’m putting in just for you. How are you? How are things? I’m doing okay, working as an intern here in the House of Representatives. Working for Charlie Rangel on this big stimulus bill, which nobody is ever really going to read anyway, so I’m taking this opportunity to say something publicly that I should have said when we were back at Pasco High. I love you, Deborah. I always have. From the day you walked into Mr. Frank’s homeroom in ninth grade until the day you left right after graduation in your dad’s . . . Suburban, was that it? Anyway, I love you, and I’ve never had the courage to say this and I probably never will have the courage to say it, but I thought I’d at least take the opportunity to have it officially recognized by the federal government how hot I think you are. Although I know nobody is ever going to read this part. So, basically, I’m a loser. If I had any courage I’d say how I feel and say it in a place I know people will actually see. My roommates are right. I’m such a dumbass. Just forget I said anything assistance program as reported to the Department of Agriculture over the most recent twelve-month period for which data are available, adjusted by the secretary (as of the date of enactment) for participation in disaster programs under section 5(h) of the Food and Nutrition Act of 2008 (7 U.S.C. 2014(h)) . . .

From page 1,276:

. . . pursuant to state and local governments’ successful application and adherence to established federal guidelines under Sect. IX ii, (A) it is hereby ordered that the student-loan obligations of the entire group of House and Senate interns, pages, and office workers, as of Jan. 1, 2009, are hereby nullified and terminated and made zero, also, each one of them is going to get a brand new iPhone loaded with free apps, plus other cool stuff to be added as necessary in follow-on amendments which I know nobody is going to read either. It’s like we can write anything here and get it passed and it becomes, like, the law of the land. I could write anything I want, like my parents have to stop hassling me about my law-school applications and it would be totally the law in a second. Marijuana, legal, bam! And also: The girl who works on the Senate Ag staff who acts like she doesn’t know me is hereby required by law to acknowledge that she does know me and that we met through her roommate’s college friend, and it is hereby writ under federal law that she must dine with me (Dutch) at least twice before declaring a lack of interest in my company. This is the LAW now, totally, so if you don’t do this, Michelle, I will have you ARRESTED. (1) such funds shall be available for the purpose of covering salaries and related administrative expenses, including technical assistance, associated with the implementation of the program, without regard to the limitation on the total amount of allotments and fund transfers contained in section 11 of the Commodity Credit Corporation Charter Act (15 U.S.C. 714i) . . .


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