Magazine July 20, 2009, Issue

From the Desk of Bernard Madoff

Dear Friends:

I know you’re all reading this and thinking, “Whoa! This guy?? This guy is writing to me??” And yes, I have to admit — I am that Bernie Madoff, and I am writing to you.

And trust me: I’m more surprised about all of this than you are. LOL!

By now most of you have read the news that I’ve been sentenced to 150 years in prison for various things that, frankly, are way too complicated for this kind of simple letter. Suffice it to say there were a lot of i’s and t’s that went undotted and uncrossed during my years as chief investment strategist for Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities LLC, and no one regrets that more than me.

(Seriously! I’m writing this from my prison cell! LOL!)

Do I have regrets? You bet.

Do I wish I had handled things better? Absolutely.

Have I learned a lot? Believe me when I tell you that I have learned tons.

And I have to be honest with you (J) — I am not writing this letter to everyone. Not all of the past clients of Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities LLC are getting this exciting offer. 

I’ve combed through my past client lists, thought about each and every one of my valued and important clients, and from that list have chosen a select few to receive this special, one-time opportunity.

So, congratulations! You’ve made it. You’re in the “in crowd”!

Welcome!

So, by now you’re thinking, “Okay, Bernie. You got my attention. What’s up?”

I’ll tell you what’s up.

I’m writing to you because of your past history with Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities LLC, because you once entrusted me with all or a portion of your life savings, and because I’m one of those people who think that the past needs to stay in the past. It’s the future I care about. It’s the future that’s so important.

Your future.

Your financial future.

I am writing to you to tell you about an extraordinary opportunity for financial growth and security. It’s unprecedented. It’s foolproof. 

It will deliver to you and your family and your loved ones the kind of wealth and financial security you’ve dreamed of — the kind some of you thought you had last autumn, before all of the craziness with Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities LLC began.

How much is that kind of financial security and personal wealth worth to you?

When you hug your kids or grandkids, do you feel like you’ve provided for them?

Have you provided for yourself?

No?

Then keep reading.

As many of you know, I have recently received a prison sentence of 150 years.

That’s a lot of time.

But right now, for the small number of lucky recipients of this letter, I am willing to do something unprecedented. 

I am willing to share my amazing 150-year prison sentence with 150 lucky individuals.

Here’s how it works:

Each “investor” takes “ownership” of one of my 150 years, and agrees with federal and state courts (approval pending) to serve one year in my place. These years can be served consecutively or cumulatively, as is convenient for the investor and as state and federal regulations allow.

Each investor is allowed to collect other investors to serve the year in smaller increments — so, for example, an investor may “sell” his year in month, week, even day increments.

And here’s where it gets interesting:

You get to keep your profits!

You don’t owe me anything!

Which means, at the end of the 150 years, we’re all going to make money!

How is that possible, you ask?

Simple.

I have a unique and proprietary system of investing in time and time-related components. It’s too complicated to go into now. I’ve applied for patent protection on a number of my innovations. But the bottom line is this:

You’re finally going to have the financial security you’ve always dreamed of, and which was cruelly taken away from you by recent events.

You’re going to be rich.

How rich?

That’s really up to you. 

“Hey, Bernie, what’s in it for you?” I can hear you asking.

Well, okay, I’ll be honest – a big part of this is just me giving back, just me doing the right thing for people I care about. But, really and truly, I’ll also benefit in a small way by not having to actually serve the actual years I was actually sentenced to, freeing me up to think up even more new ways for all of us to increase our personal wealth and achieve our dreams of financial freedom and independence.

It’s win-win.

So, join me, won’t you?

Just send a SASE and $11,000 handling fee to:

Banc Madoff et Fils

Block 8H-C11F

Dept. of Corrections

Ossining, NY

And go ahead! Dream a little! Everything’s going to be just fine!

All my very best,

Bernie

 

In This Issue

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Story Morals

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Sections

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The Bent Pin

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Politics & Policy

Poetry

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Happy Warrior

Jacksonian Democracy

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Politics & Policy

Letters

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